Now where did we leave off? Oh, yes. Betsi had just left us at Ghiradelli Square. Silly Betsi. She thought she only had to walk a couple of blocks back to the parking garage in the Red Light District/Little Italy/Chinatown! Nonsense! Turns out she was more like a mile away, but I'm sure it was a beautiful walk back...well, she's still here today, isn't she?
As this point, we were left with yours truly, Debbie, and Sony, and seeing as how the free chocolates and morning coffee and Kashi had worn off of my two travelmates, we decided to get ourselves some lunch. Being a tourist is hard work! All the walking and bartering with street vendors for blue ball necklaces that break later in the evening! We were famished!
Deb's guide book recommended a little cafe near Ghiradelli Square, so we went in there...only to walk out about 5 minutes later. Not quite up to our standards. And we know a thing or two about standards...after all, we all heart BW3. So we walked our way back down towards Fisherman's Wharf and ate lunch at a place called Boudoin Bakery. This was where they made loaves of sourdough bread shaped like lobsters and crabs (pictures to come later). It looked good when we first looked in there, so we went back. After all, this was Fisherman's Wharf, and we wanted to have some authentic clam chowder! Well...okay, so I was the only one who actually had the clam chowder (it was very good)--Deb went with the corn chowder in a sourdough bread bowl, while Sony opted for the bleu cheese burger (I had that as well--chowder as a side). Sony and I are suckers for bleu cheese, I guess! While we ate, Deb kept on pestering our waiter about the row houses shown in the opening credits for "Full House." Dude didn't know what she was talking about! He said he'd never heard of the show...he must have been Canadian or something. A gay waiter in San Fran who's never heard of "Full House?" Puh-leeze!
Our lunch over, we headed back out. On with the list! Next up: trolley car ride. Now, for those of you who treat public transportation like a ride at Disneyland, let me remind you of this factoid: people use public transportation to get to and from places for their daily lives! I know, it's hard to imagine that anyone would actually want to ride the 16A up and down Washington Ave. every day, not just when they're drunk and trying to get downtown from Argyle House, but it's true! People have to ride public transportation to survive! But we were tourists! Damn the natives, we're riding a trolley car whether they like it or not! So when the conductor shouted out they had room for 3 more, we pushed our way to the front of the line, knocking over some hippies in the process, and off we went. San Franciscans were jumping on and off at every intersection, but these Midwestern girls kept on riding until we reached our next item on the list: Lombard Street. Trolley ride: check!
So, in case you don't know, Lombard Street is the self-proclaimed "Crookedest Street in the World" (see future pictures for reference). I have a hard enough time living in Burnsville, but I cannot imagine having to live on that street! Pushy tourists are peering into your house all the time, admiring your Pottery Barn-like tastes, taking pictures, walking on your grass...well, it was more like standing near their potted plants, as there was no yard to speak of. And then there were cars flying around the bends of the road, caring not for their safety nor that of the pedestrians...imagine trying to drive that after a couple glasses of Chandon! No siree bob!
From Lombard Street, we could see our next stop: Coit Tower. Now, I have no idea why we went to Coit Tower, but mother [Deb] wanted to see it, so by George, we were going to see it! Basically, we had to walk to the bottom of the 'valley' and back up the hill to reach the summit where Coit Tower was. So off we went. The walk down was a piece of cake. The walk up: a whole other story. First of all, we started up the hill by passing through a neighborhood with a rec center called Joe DiMaggio something or other. There were two guys (possibly homeless) sitting on the surrounding wall, smoking weed, who started hollering at us as we walked by. What did they say? The great American pick-up line: "Are you Charlie's Angels?" I think one of them asked if he could be Charlie. Now, I know I'm in a self-imposed slump right now (as I was then), but I think it's safe to say that I am not looking for love on the stoop of a rec center in San Francisco with a pot-smoking bum! The distance would be too much to overcome!
So Sony fluffed her hair, and we continued our trek. It felt like it would never end! I was beginning to feel like Sisyphus, pushing the rock up the hill in Hades only to have it roll back down once it reached the top---everytime I thought we were close, the hill just kept on climbing! My knee was throbbing like a vein in Barry Bonds' neck. Did you know I have a bad knee now? Funny side note: I went to the Twins game on Mother's Day, and the next day I couldn't bend down. Or over. But, like I said, self-imposed slump: no worries there!
After much complaining and curse words being uttered, we finally made it...to the bottom of the park where the tower was located. Personally, I was pleased with where we were! There was a statue of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, and a little bench devoted to Marconi (see upcoming pictures), but our tour guide pushed us up the hill. Well, not so much pushed as forced. But up we went! We made it to the base of the tower and went inside. $3 for the elevator ride to the top! Sony was pissed...she tried to strike, but Deb paid for her ticket, and we hopped in the hand-crank elevator to take the harrowing ride up. Can someone say nervous? At the lookout point, we talked with some British tourists, showed them the sights, then said a prayer and went back down the elevator to ground zero. Ride up the elevator: $3. Feeling of being on solid ground again: priceless.
Our time in San Francisco itself was nearly over, but we had one last stop: Chinatown! Hooray! I had some vague memories of Chinatown from when I was 4...and they were vague for a reason. I was totally disappointed with it! It was a wee bit dirty [read: dirty] and crowded, and I was a wee bit cranky [read: cranky] and ready to go. But Deb and Sony wanted to take the free tour of the Fortune Cookie Company which was detailed in the guide book. We were within a stone's throw of the place, according to the map, but we couldn't find the alley to turn down. I, however, have eagle eyes, and I spotted the place in an instant. In perhaps my finest moment of the day, I looked at them and said in my most deadpan voice, "I see it but I'm not telling you where it is."
This didn't go over too well, however, and I gave in, and we walked down the alley to take the tour. I waited outside while those two went inside. They were back out in 10 seconds. The tour involved walking inside 5 feet, looking to your right, where they workers pressed cookies into their famous shape, having a sample, and possibly buying a bag of cookies to take home. Yawn! But it was an experience, that's for sure!
We went on our merry way back to the hotel for that evening's shennanigans. I went with Betsi, Buch, Teresa, Mark Allen, Doug, and the cheer squad coach into Berkeley to hit up the bars, while Deb and Sony stayed in the hotel and had some supper with Heidi. Our first bar was a total disappointment: the bartender immediately yelled at us that there were no tabs allowed, and it was cash only. Okay, we can deal with this: after all, we're from the land of 10,000 drunks. However, when Book went to the bar to buy pitchers and gave her $10 for a $9 pitcher of PBR (seriously!), she looked at him and went, "This is tip country." He informed her she would get a bigger tip if things went well, which they didn't, so we left shortly after the rude patrons in there started yelling at us. We'll take our business elsewhere! So we went to the student bar on campus, the Bear's Lair, I think, and proceeded to order all of their pizza and order many pitchers of beer. It was a little creepy: I think there was some sort of back room where things were happening, and the bathrooms were black and sticky. After our fun ended there, we went back to Paragon and had some more. There were some southern boys there who were quite creepy (one looked like Tucker Carlson--enough said). Tucker did enjoy my accent, but I did not enjoy him at all! (Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter you dirty perv!)
My memories of this trip are beginning to fade, so it's a good thing I only have one last day to blog about! I will get to it over the holidays! Toodles!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
33 in Napa Valley! Day four
AKA Debbie Does San Fran!
So we've made it this far! No one has been killed or anything! We've had our close calls, what with Deb aka Dale Earnhardt behind the wheel...God needed a driver!
Naturally, our day started out with yet another early morning wake-up call...we had to be on the road by 8:00 AM to avoid traffic! Or so we thought...we cruised right on in to San Fran without a problem (although we somehow were led onto the wrong entrance ramp and almost went to Oakland! Abort!). Things became tricky once we were actually on the streets of San Francisco. We had two cars once again, as Betsi had to leave early to help bring the supplies [read: beer] to the tailgating site for Sat. AM, so her and I were driving behind Miss Daisy (Sony) and Deb. Did I mention before that Sony was in the National Guard? Well, did I also mention that she failed map reading? Yep, Mr. Magoo/Miss Daisy was trying to give us directions to find our parking ramp in Chinatown. At one point, I turned to Betsi and said, "I guarantee you we just missed a turn," and two seconds later, my phone starts playing the theme from "Sanford and Son," as I had already switched my ringtone to that song for any of these gals when then call me! Sure enough, it was Sony telling us to go a different way, as they drove ahead of us at a stoplight and were waiting for us at the parking ramp. As it turns out, not only was Sony in charge of the map, but she was also on the phone with Sarah aka O3 the entire time, talking about their dog Luci F. aka Luci-Fer, who was going to be spending the week at the kennel while Sarah was out of town. I'm sure that they were talking about the fact that the dog was still alive despite Sony's best efforts to kill her by stealing her prednizone, but these Olin girls are resourceful--turns out they did this before and started feeding her Benadryl or Sudafed instead, and she lived! Miracles do happen!
Betsi and I did have a lovely tour of the red-light district (not nearly as impressive as the one in Amsterdam, for shame) and parts of Chinatown. Luckily for all of us, we made it to the parking ramp, which had little fortunes stamped onto each parking stall. I don't remember what our two stalls said...but I'm sure it was something helpful like, "You will become aroused by a shampoo ad," or something like that. We were right on the edge of Little Italy and Chinatown, so we headed towards Lil' Italy and popped into a little bakery so the ladies could have their morning coffees. Deb and I waited outside while Betsi got her huge coffee and Sony tried to order a grande cappa-mocha-lucha-whateva. It was no Starbucks!
So off we went towards Fisherman's Wharf, where we were to begin our adventurous day. Deb got all German tourist on us before we left Minnesota and had made up a list of places for us to visit while in San Fran:
1. Pier 39 (to see all the seals)
2. Alcatraz
3. Fisherman's Wharf
4. Ghiradelli Square
5. Ride a trolley car
6. Lombard St.
7. Coit Tower
8. Fortune cookie factory in Chinatown
So we've made it this far! No one has been killed or anything! We've had our close calls, what with Deb aka Dale Earnhardt behind the wheel...God needed a driver!
Naturally, our day started out with yet another early morning wake-up call...we had to be on the road by 8:00 AM to avoid traffic! Or so we thought...we cruised right on in to San Fran without a problem (although we somehow were led onto the wrong entrance ramp and almost went to Oakland! Abort!). Things became tricky once we were actually on the streets of San Francisco. We had two cars once again, as Betsi had to leave early to help bring the supplies [read: beer] to the tailgating site for Sat. AM, so her and I were driving behind Miss Daisy (Sony) and Deb. Did I mention before that Sony was in the National Guard? Well, did I also mention that she failed map reading? Yep, Mr. Magoo/Miss Daisy was trying to give us directions to find our parking ramp in Chinatown. At one point, I turned to Betsi and said, "I guarantee you we just missed a turn," and two seconds later, my phone starts playing the theme from "Sanford and Son," as I had already switched my ringtone to that song for any of these gals when then call me! Sure enough, it was Sony telling us to go a different way, as they drove ahead of us at a stoplight and were waiting for us at the parking ramp. As it turns out, not only was Sony in charge of the map, but she was also on the phone with Sarah aka O3 the entire time, talking about their dog Luci F. aka Luci-Fer, who was going to be spending the week at the kennel while Sarah was out of town. I'm sure that they were talking about the fact that the dog was still alive despite Sony's best efforts to kill her by stealing her prednizone, but these Olin girls are resourceful--turns out they did this before and started feeding her Benadryl or Sudafed instead, and she lived! Miracles do happen!
Betsi and I did have a lovely tour of the red-light district (not nearly as impressive as the one in Amsterdam, for shame) and parts of Chinatown. Luckily for all of us, we made it to the parking ramp, which had little fortunes stamped onto each parking stall. I don't remember what our two stalls said...but I'm sure it was something helpful like, "You will become aroused by a shampoo ad," or something like that. We were right on the edge of Little Italy and Chinatown, so we headed towards Lil' Italy and popped into a little bakery so the ladies could have their morning coffees. Deb and I waited outside while Betsi got her huge coffee and Sony tried to order a grande cappa-mocha-lucha-whateva. It was no Starbucks!
So off we went towards Fisherman's Wharf, where we were to begin our adventurous day. Deb got all German tourist on us before we left Minnesota and had made up a list of places for us to visit while in San Fran:
1. Pier 39 (to see all the seals)
2. Alcatraz
3. Fisherman's Wharf
4. Ghiradelli Square
5. Ride a trolley car
6. Lombard St.
7. Coit Tower
8. Fortune cookie factory in Chinatown
Of course, everytime we went somewhere or did something, Deb yelled out, "Check!" and motioned in the air like she was crossing something off the [read: her] list. You may think I'm kidding, but this is no joke. It was like being on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. all over again!
Our first stop was Fisherman's Wharf (check!), where we saw the seals perched on Pier 39 (check!) and got our tickets for the ferry over to Alcatraz (check!). Deb signed us all up for the audio-guided tour, with those sexy little headphones, so we had no need for our own John "Vicky" Johnson, Alcatraz guide from So I Married an Axe Murderer. We took some very lovely photos on the ferry ride over (which I will post soon enough!), and before you could say "prison riot" we were at the loading dock! Hooray! I've always wanted to go to prison! Well, maybe not go to prison, per-se, but maybe visit a low-security prison like where Martha Stewart was kept---she got to make her own ponchos! I could knit one myself and wrap it up for Betsi as a Christmas present! She does heart ponchos!
Well, we got off of the ferry and walked up the plank to the main loading area at Alcatraz. We skipped the little speech made by the Park Ranger and hiked up the hill to the entrance to prison. It was a scene straight out of The Amazing Race, with Sony and Deb practically sprinting up the hill, while Betsi kept saying, "Do we have to run up the hill? I'm not running!" I think I was laughing the whole time. But I kept up with them, imagining that we were indeed trying to win a leg of TAR, and Betsi eventually caved and picked up the speed. We were the first ones inside the prison, so I guess we won! I'll have to post the picture of us once we got inside--we were all beet red, and it wasn't sunburn!
We spent probably an hour there, listening to our headphones, snooping in all the cells, pretending we were prisoners (see pictures that will post soon). After we turned in our headphones, we hit up the gift shop for the obligatory magnets, postcards, etc., then headed outside to take pictures with the city and Golden Gate Bridge in the background. There were some lovely Europeans that I asked to take our picture, so of course I returned the favor...unfortunately, it was extremely windy, so the hair was a-blowing everywhere! Oops.
Back to the pier we went on the ferry, and we hit up yet another gift shop so Betsi could get a prisoner's uniform to wear for the annual Sherman Halloween bonanza (alas, it didn't happen)...we tried to get Sony to buy the same thing for Luci-Fer, but she was still hating on the dog back then, so it didn't happen. We walked down the street towards the heart of Fisherman's Wharf on our way to Ghiradelli Square, stopping on the way to take pictures of various signs, fake pirates, loaves of bread shaped like crabs, etc. One store had a pirate statue outside that looked like Captain Morgan, so Deb and I posed with it. We had a little Captain in us that day!
We also passed some street vendors, and I bought a blue balls necklace that looked like something Betty or Wilma would've worn on The Flintstones, but unfortunately it broke later that night (more on that later). Sony also bought a blue necklace, but hers were more like flat turquoise stones...I don't think hers has broken yet. Once we got to Ghiradelli Square, we had some free chocolate, and Deb had a hot chocolate (which was on her list of things to do), and Betsi left us at this point to go get ready for the BBQ.
Part 2 of San Francisco Day aka Debbie Does San Fran! to come later!
Monday, November 06, 2006
33 in Napa Valley! Day three [part 2]
Is it November already??? Good lord, this year has flown by! It's already been 2 months since this fateful trip to the West Coast! I better hop to it!
So, where'd I leave off...oh yes, we had just finished with our first vineyard tour at Robert Mondavi. (Side note--I just got a lovely wooden crate from the vineyard at work today!) We snapped some photos in the parking lot and we were off to our next stop: the Francis Ford Coppola vineyard, which is now called the Niebaum-Coppola Vineyard, because that will really trick people into thinking it's not the Coppola vineyard. Yeah right. People want to see Sonny and Michael Corleone roaming the grounds! Maybe even Vito strolling through the rows of grapes with orange wedges in his mouth, scaring little boys. If that doesn't sound like something straight out of a Catholic priest's fantasy book, I don't know what does!
Anyhoo, the three of us (Deb, Sony, and I--Betsi wasn't there yet) turned into the drive and went to the parking lot. We sat there for quite a while, waiting for the valet--apparently you can't park your own car there for fear of disrupting the delicate ecosystem...well, that's my guess at least. After about 10 minutes of this, Deb drove on up to the visitor's center stand and flagged down some sweaty-looking chick in a black suit (it was in the mid- to upper-80's that day! she must have been ripe!) to find out where the valet parkers were. Sweaty told us that they were closed due to the power outage (see part 1 for reference)! Dis! The three of us were quite upset, and I started to use my strongest Minnesota accent to help our sob story gain credibility. Sweaty gave us her business card and said the next time we're in Napa to come find her ("I'm in hospitality and will be here forever!") to get free admission. Sure...because I come to the San Francisco area so often...my last visit was in 1984! (Not counting work in 2004, but I was majorly hung over from drinking my weight in G&T's in first-class on part of the flight and nearly threw up in the office from the flickering of the fluorescent lighting!)
Maybe it was fate that we couldn't go to this tour, because by the time we pulled out of the parking lot, Betsi was calling us with an ETA of about 30 minutes. Perfect! We told her to meet us at the Beringer vineyard to play catch-up. It was only about 5 miles away, so we headed out. Good thing we did! It was bumper-to-bumper the whole way there! If there's one thing that I can't stand, it's traffic--it doesn't take much to make me a road rager. Of course, it was a one-lane highway, so we couldn't pass any of the blockage, so we patiently crawled up the road until we reached the Beringer vineyard. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Why Beringer? They sell that for $4 a bottle at Blue Max Liquor!" True, Beringer is widely available all throughout this great land of ours for low-low prices, but it was the most scenic of vineyards we went to. Since Corky (see part 1) had schooled us on how grapes are born already, we decided to skip the tour and just walked around free areas while waiting for Betsi to show up. Sony bought a really funny poster from the olden days of two bearded dudes by tons of barrels of wine. It reminded me of our walk through the barrels earlier that day! [P.S.--I will put pictures up, but they will be all at once, as I seem to be having difficulties accomplishing this task right now.] We chipped in $5 each and sampled some vino in the visitors' center, then played the waiting game for Betsi. She rolled in a couple minutes later, and Deb then decided it was time to leave. As Scooby Doo would say, 'ruh-roh!' Deb was hungry--after all, her death-wish Kashi had probably burned off by now!--and Sony and I were ready for a nibble of something besides dusty vineyard grapes, but Betsi wanted to look around still, as she had just driven over an hour to experience it all! So we spent 5 quality minutes together, then the three of us went back into town to get some food while Betsi shopped for wine-related gifts.
Back to Napa we went. Someone told us to go eat at this little burger joint, so we parked and walked there. If we would have asked better questions, we would have learned that there was a parking lot at the burger place, instead of parking a mile away and walking, but we were stupid American tourists. Boy oh boy, were our faces red! Well, it was pretty hot out...I digress! After our snacks, we stomped back to the car and drove on to our final destination, the Domaine Chandon winery. By far, the best tour of the day! For $15, we got a tour, samples, and a free champagne flute! And Sony got to play teacher's pet to her eye candy for the day! Our tour guide, Dante, wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, but he had one fan in the crowd who didn't care if he sounded like a robot and was obviously spewing off a memorized script to us! She was like the Road Runner, leaving a trail of dust behind her while she was speed-walking to keep up with this guy! Oh Sony! There were many good pictures taken on this tour, and while we sipped our free samples, we saw many drunkards who obviously had been there all day and were in desperate need of snacks of their own! Good times.
After we left the winery, we stopped in at the outlet mall on the other side of town, where we fiscally raped the Coach store with Sony's discount (I got a new wallet, two scarves, and a Christmas present for my mother; Sony got a scarf; Betsi bought a winter coat) and Deb bought out J Crew's supply of maroon sweaters and t-shirts for her game day wear at the Gopher football games. Betsi and I left early and headed back to the hotel with the assistance of her GPS device that the truck driver let her use to get to Napa in one piece. It was pretty slick...until it told us to make a right turn in 200 feet, but we must have turned at 175 feet because we took the wrong turn and drove through some residential area for a while. The other two ended up beating us back! Useless piece of crap. Regardless, we made it back in one piece and had a late dinner with Mark Allen (whose name had been dropped repeatedly during the trip by Deb and Betsi--we finally put a face to the name), and one of the Goal Line dudes named Doug.
We went to Paragon for dinner, which is in the hotel, and has a huge balcony that overlooks the entire hotel grounds. Beautiful, right? Well, it could have been, but we were seated in the far corner by the kitchen, and we had some tweaked-out server that was the intellectual equivalent of belly button lint. Not good. Sony and I had bleu cheese burgers--I don't remember what anyone else had. I do know there was some drinking going on at the table, and that Sony and I had to stay after everyone else finished their dinners to drink the rest of our cocktails. We never let booze go to waste! As we walked back to the elevators to weave our way through the labyrinth that was the Claremont hotel, we saw the Lockwoods and some other football coaches, all of whom ignored us (the coaches, not the Lockwoods). How rude! When we got back to the room, we decided to reenact this moment for Betsi, who missed the scene. Deb sat in one chair, Sony in another, and I played the part of Deborah, walking through the room and going, "My name is Deborah! I have a job!" We all just about tinkled in our undies over that one. Well, at least those of us who were wearing some...I think there was a lot of commando action on the trip!
That's all for day 3.....day 4 to come soon!
So, where'd I leave off...oh yes, we had just finished with our first vineyard tour at Robert Mondavi. (Side note--I just got a lovely wooden crate from the vineyard at work today!) We snapped some photos in the parking lot and we were off to our next stop: the Francis Ford Coppola vineyard, which is now called the Niebaum-Coppola Vineyard, because that will really trick people into thinking it's not the Coppola vineyard. Yeah right. People want to see Sonny and Michael Corleone roaming the grounds! Maybe even Vito strolling through the rows of grapes with orange wedges in his mouth, scaring little boys. If that doesn't sound like something straight out of a Catholic priest's fantasy book, I don't know what does!
Anyhoo, the three of us (Deb, Sony, and I--Betsi wasn't there yet) turned into the drive and went to the parking lot. We sat there for quite a while, waiting for the valet--apparently you can't park your own car there for fear of disrupting the delicate ecosystem...well, that's my guess at least. After about 10 minutes of this, Deb drove on up to the visitor's center stand and flagged down some sweaty-looking chick in a black suit (it was in the mid- to upper-80's that day! she must have been ripe!) to find out where the valet parkers were. Sweaty told us that they were closed due to the power outage (see part 1 for reference)! Dis! The three of us were quite upset, and I started to use my strongest Minnesota accent to help our sob story gain credibility. Sweaty gave us her business card and said the next time we're in Napa to come find her ("I'm in hospitality and will be here forever!") to get free admission. Sure...because I come to the San Francisco area so often...my last visit was in 1984! (Not counting work in 2004, but I was majorly hung over from drinking my weight in G&T's in first-class on part of the flight and nearly threw up in the office from the flickering of the fluorescent lighting!)
Maybe it was fate that we couldn't go to this tour, because by the time we pulled out of the parking lot, Betsi was calling us with an ETA of about 30 minutes. Perfect! We told her to meet us at the Beringer vineyard to play catch-up. It was only about 5 miles away, so we headed out. Good thing we did! It was bumper-to-bumper the whole way there! If there's one thing that I can't stand, it's traffic--it doesn't take much to make me a road rager. Of course, it was a one-lane highway, so we couldn't pass any of the blockage, so we patiently crawled up the road until we reached the Beringer vineyard. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Why Beringer? They sell that for $4 a bottle at Blue Max Liquor!" True, Beringer is widely available all throughout this great land of ours for low-low prices, but it was the most scenic of vineyards we went to. Since Corky (see part 1) had schooled us on how grapes are born already, we decided to skip the tour and just walked around free areas while waiting for Betsi to show up. Sony bought a really funny poster from the olden days of two bearded dudes by tons of barrels of wine. It reminded me of our walk through the barrels earlier that day! [P.S.--I will put pictures up, but they will be all at once, as I seem to be having difficulties accomplishing this task right now.] We chipped in $5 each and sampled some vino in the visitors' center, then played the waiting game for Betsi. She rolled in a couple minutes later, and Deb then decided it was time to leave. As Scooby Doo would say, 'ruh-roh!' Deb was hungry--after all, her death-wish Kashi had probably burned off by now!--and Sony and I were ready for a nibble of something besides dusty vineyard grapes, but Betsi wanted to look around still, as she had just driven over an hour to experience it all! So we spent 5 quality minutes together, then the three of us went back into town to get some food while Betsi shopped for wine-related gifts.
Back to Napa we went. Someone told us to go eat at this little burger joint, so we parked and walked there. If we would have asked better questions, we would have learned that there was a parking lot at the burger place, instead of parking a mile away and walking, but we were stupid American tourists. Boy oh boy, were our faces red! Well, it was pretty hot out...I digress! After our snacks, we stomped back to the car and drove on to our final destination, the Domaine Chandon winery. By far, the best tour of the day! For $15, we got a tour, samples, and a free champagne flute! And Sony got to play teacher's pet to her eye candy for the day! Our tour guide, Dante, wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, but he had one fan in the crowd who didn't care if he sounded like a robot and was obviously spewing off a memorized script to us! She was like the Road Runner, leaving a trail of dust behind her while she was speed-walking to keep up with this guy! Oh Sony! There were many good pictures taken on this tour, and while we sipped our free samples, we saw many drunkards who obviously had been there all day and were in desperate need of snacks of their own! Good times.
After we left the winery, we stopped in at the outlet mall on the other side of town, where we fiscally raped the Coach store with Sony's discount (I got a new wallet, two scarves, and a Christmas present for my mother; Sony got a scarf; Betsi bought a winter coat) and Deb bought out J Crew's supply of maroon sweaters and t-shirts for her game day wear at the Gopher football games. Betsi and I left early and headed back to the hotel with the assistance of her GPS device that the truck driver let her use to get to Napa in one piece. It was pretty slick...until it told us to make a right turn in 200 feet, but we must have turned at 175 feet because we took the wrong turn and drove through some residential area for a while. The other two ended up beating us back! Useless piece of crap. Regardless, we made it back in one piece and had a late dinner with Mark Allen (whose name had been dropped repeatedly during the trip by Deb and Betsi--we finally put a face to the name), and one of the Goal Line dudes named Doug.
We went to Paragon for dinner, which is in the hotel, and has a huge balcony that overlooks the entire hotel grounds. Beautiful, right? Well, it could have been, but we were seated in the far corner by the kitchen, and we had some tweaked-out server that was the intellectual equivalent of belly button lint. Not good. Sony and I had bleu cheese burgers--I don't remember what anyone else had. I do know there was some drinking going on at the table, and that Sony and I had to stay after everyone else finished their dinners to drink the rest of our cocktails. We never let booze go to waste! As we walked back to the elevators to weave our way through the labyrinth that was the Claremont hotel, we saw the Lockwoods and some other football coaches, all of whom ignored us (the coaches, not the Lockwoods). How rude! When we got back to the room, we decided to reenact this moment for Betsi, who missed the scene. Deb sat in one chair, Sony in another, and I played the part of Deborah, walking through the room and going, "My name is Deborah! I have a job!" We all just about tinkled in our undies over that one. Well, at least those of us who were wearing some...I think there was a lot of commando action on the trip!
That's all for day 3.....day 4 to come soon!
Monday, September 25, 2006
33 in Napa Valley! Day three [part 1]
AKA Napa Valley day!
So, we started our day out bright and early, because mother, I mean Deborah, had us on a tight schedule. We were told we had to leave early so we had enough time to drive up to Napa from our hotel--apparently traffic was supposed to be horrendous, plus there was road construction. Thankfully the Claremont had a T.V. in the bathroom for us, so we had the morning shows on in both the living room area and bathroom---no excuses to not get ready quickly!
We stopped at a lovely little café near the hotel for Sony's coffee (she needs a morning boost) and to get Deb a spoon for her cereal. Now, as you may remember from my day 1 posting, my life was flashing before my eyes with Deb behind the wheel on the way back from the airport. I would like to retract that statement: my life truly didn't flash before my eyes until Deb drove us up to Napa whilst eating a bowl of Kashi and milk. I mean, suri-ously! Suri Cruise! Talk about death wish!
Anyhoo...so, we made our way up to Napa in record time---suri-ously, we had over an hour to spare. Actually, it was more like an hour-and-a-half, but Sony had to stop and go pee and load up on more Diet Coke once we were in Napa County. It suri-ously took her a half an hour! I thought she had fallen in! Or made new friends...there were a few bra-bra's going in and out of the gas station. You know how much the bra-bra's heart Sony! Luckily there was a McDonald's attached, and since I had forgotten to bring with my baguette, cheese, and grape tomatoes that I bought the night before at Whole Foods, I had a cheeseburger for breakfast. I am not usually a breakfast eater, no matter what kind of food it is, but I was starving and needed to get a good base going in case there was a lot of vino to be had! Better safe than sorry!
We continued on our way into Napa County, and eventually started to see all of the vineyards and restaurants that are associated with the region. After consulting the handy "San Francisco for Dummies" book that Deb brought along, we reached our first vineyard: Robert Mondavi. It was very pretty, sitting at the base of a mountain, with a good sized visitor's center and many fields full of all sorts of varieties of grapes. It was just me, Deb, and Sony at this point---Betsi had to stay behind and help with unloading the moving van full of beer and wine for the BBQ on Saturday before the big game, so she drove up separately later in the day. SIDE NOTE: when Betsi picked up her rental car on Wednesday afternoon, the employee at the Enterprise booth ran after her and gave her his business card so she could [hypothetically] bring her friends to a frat party some guys he knew were throwing! Betsi did keep the card to give to Sony---after all, he fit her mold! (See above!)
Okay, so onward with the vineyard tour. After we got our little tin lapel pins, to indicate we were on the 11:30AM tour, we were rounded up in the courtyard by our tour guide, Kurt. Or Kirk. I can't remember which. He had extremely ruddy red cheeks and was wearing one of those Greg Norman-like golf hats--you know, the one made of straw with the bandana-like thing tied around it? Anyhoo, this guy was a complete tool. Or a 'cork dork,' as he liked to refer to himself as. Kind of like the main guy in Sideways, you know, the one who knows everything about everything about wine? Here's my rendition of him, courtesy of the South Park character website:
So, we started our day out bright and early, because mother, I mean Deborah, had us on a tight schedule. We were told we had to leave early so we had enough time to drive up to Napa from our hotel--apparently traffic was supposed to be horrendous, plus there was road construction. Thankfully the Claremont had a T.V. in the bathroom for us, so we had the morning shows on in both the living room area and bathroom---no excuses to not get ready quickly!
We stopped at a lovely little café near the hotel for Sony's coffee (she needs a morning boost) and to get Deb a spoon for her cereal. Now, as you may remember from my day 1 posting, my life was flashing before my eyes with Deb behind the wheel on the way back from the airport. I would like to retract that statement: my life truly didn't flash before my eyes until Deb drove us up to Napa whilst eating a bowl of Kashi and milk. I mean, suri-ously! Suri Cruise! Talk about death wish!
Anyhoo...so, we made our way up to Napa in record time---suri-ously, we had over an hour to spare. Actually, it was more like an hour-and-a-half, but Sony had to stop and go pee and load up on more Diet Coke once we were in Napa County. It suri-ously took her a half an hour! I thought she had fallen in! Or made new friends...there were a few bra-bra's going in and out of the gas station. You know how much the bra-bra's heart Sony! Luckily there was a McDonald's attached, and since I had forgotten to bring with my baguette, cheese, and grape tomatoes that I bought the night before at Whole Foods, I had a cheeseburger for breakfast. I am not usually a breakfast eater, no matter what kind of food it is, but I was starving and needed to get a good base going in case there was a lot of vino to be had! Better safe than sorry!
We continued on our way into Napa County, and eventually started to see all of the vineyards and restaurants that are associated with the region. After consulting the handy "San Francisco for Dummies" book that Deb brought along, we reached our first vineyard: Robert Mondavi. It was very pretty, sitting at the base of a mountain, with a good sized visitor's center and many fields full of all sorts of varieties of grapes. It was just me, Deb, and Sony at this point---Betsi had to stay behind and help with unloading the moving van full of beer and wine for the BBQ on Saturday before the big game, so she drove up separately later in the day. SIDE NOTE: when Betsi picked up her rental car on Wednesday afternoon, the employee at the Enterprise booth ran after her and gave her his business card so she could [hypothetically] bring her friends to a frat party some guys he knew were throwing! Betsi did keep the card to give to Sony---after all, he fit her mold! (See above!)
Okay, so onward with the vineyard tour. After we got our little tin lapel pins, to indicate we were on the 11:30AM tour, we were rounded up in the courtyard by our tour guide, Kurt. Or Kirk. I can't remember which. He had extremely ruddy red cheeks and was wearing one of those Greg Norman-like golf hats--you know, the one made of straw with the bandana-like thing tied around it? Anyhoo, this guy was a complete tool. Or a 'cork dork,' as he liked to refer to himself as. Kind of like the main guy in Sideways, you know, the one who knows everything about everything about wine? Here's my rendition of him, courtesy of the South Park character website:
Just imagine the spooky looking trees are really rows of grape vines. This is exactly what he looks like!
So, Corky starts us out on our tour by giving us the most anal-retentive description of rainfall I've ever heard. He kept saying, "I'll bet you $1,000 it won't rain in Napa Valley on September 25, because it's only ever rained here one time on Sept. 25 in recorded history." What a dope! But he quickly had a teacher's pet---some chick who was about 22 years old was with her parents, and they were firing questions off left and right. They kept talking about going to the vineyards in New Zealand, and how the daughter was looking to do an internship at a vineyard in Napa Valley. I could practically hear her nose squeaking, she was so far up his ass.
Then there was a couple of married couples that looked to betravelingg together, and one of the wives kept exclaiming, "Wow!" with every factoid that Corky shared with us. Then, when it was time for the wine tasting, she slammed down all of her samples (which were really half-full glasses) and finished her husband's off too! Meow! Another young couple sat across the table from us at the wine tastings, and they were very smart. How do I know this? Well, they kept laughing at my jokes and snide remarks that I made everytime Corky said something lame. I was en fuego once again! Deb kept saying I was the funniest person there. Well, compared to the Kiwi brown-nosers and retired boozehounds, I'm not sure how stiff the competition would have been anyways, but never-the-less, I'm still #1!
Best part of the tour: the power went off during our wine tastings. Did that speed Corky up? NOPE! Our one-and-a-half hour tour quickly turned into a two-and-a-half hour tour, thanks to all the lame questions and Corky'snever-endingg stories. By the time we finished, we had to scramble because we wanted to hit up another vineyard or two before going to our final scheduled tour at 5:00 PM. So it was off to the gift shop...which, without the magic of electricity, was nothing more than a storage room with three retarded shopkeepers trying to figure out how to use a calculator to calculate tax. Sonja and I used our cell phones to calculate our totals with tax, and we apparently were like gods to these people. They tried to get us to stay and calculate the totals for everyone in the store, and wanted to pay us off in free wine! We said, "Suri cruise!" and left. We had to get to the Coppola vineyard down the road! Auf weidersehn!
Part 2 of day 3 still to come....
33 in Napa Valley! side notes
Okay, so I have apparently forgotten to tell a couple stories containing very important background information regarding this trip. Much of the humor to come depends on this information!
1. My killer Heidi Klum impersonation: prior to our trip, I joined Sony and Deb at the Lockwood's for a rousing night of 31. As everyone knows, my favorite show these days is Project Runway, and whilst playing, I was in full Heidi Klum mode, saying "You're out!" in my best German fashionista accent. Well, little David, being ever so clever, mistook my accent for a British accent (they are so very similar, are they not??), and said, "Girl, why you talking all British?" Classic. So, I have been saying even more so, ever since that night, "You're out! Auf weidersen!" at every moment that I get.
2. As you may or may not know, I am a hummer. And a whistler. It is my musically-inclined nature, I guess. I'm always singing/whistling/humming some sort of jolly tune. Somehow, on one of the first days of our trip, I had the "Baby Elephant Walk" song in my head (if you've seen the episode of The Simpsons when Homer is the baseball mascot, this is the song he dances to) and was whistling/humming it somewhere. Betsi picked up on this, but thought it was the theme song for Sanford and Son, so she starts in with the, "Ya ta da dah!" and a theme song for our trip was born. Since then, I've set this song as my ring tone for my cell phone whenever Deb, Sony, or Betsi call.
Lesson over!
1. My killer Heidi Klum impersonation: prior to our trip, I joined Sony and Deb at the Lockwood's for a rousing night of 31. As everyone knows, my favorite show these days is Project Runway, and whilst playing, I was in full Heidi Klum mode, saying "You're out!" in my best German fashionista accent. Well, little David, being ever so clever, mistook my accent for a British accent (they are so very similar, are they not??), and said, "Girl, why you talking all British?" Classic. So, I have been saying even more so, ever since that night, "You're out! Auf weidersen!" at every moment that I get.
2. As you may or may not know, I am a hummer. And a whistler. It is my musically-inclined nature, I guess. I'm always singing/whistling/humming some sort of jolly tune. Somehow, on one of the first days of our trip, I had the "Baby Elephant Walk" song in my head (if you've seen the episode of The Simpsons when Homer is the baseball mascot, this is the song he dances to) and was whistling/humming it somewhere. Betsi picked up on this, but thought it was the theme song for Sanford and Son, so she starts in with the, "Ya ta da dah!" and a theme song for our trip was born. Since then, I've set this song as my ring tone for my cell phone whenever Deb, Sony, or Betsi call.
Lesson over!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
"33 in Napa Valley!" day two
AKA Spa Day!
So, the day started with me getting up at 7:00 AM or so to go to the bathroom. Not usually an interesting event, except for the fact that I forgot in my sleep-deprived state that the bed was about 4 feet up off the ground, so I was trying to fish around in the dark on the floor for my flip-flops (never walk in bare feet in a hotel room! the carpeting is basically sperm!) while balancing on the edge of the bed. I guess I wasn't too quiet, because Deb saw the whole thing and was laughing about it at breakfast. But I did not get any nasty carpet/sperm-borne diseases on my feet during the trip, so it was totally worth it!
We had a lovely breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel (Jordan's, I think), but we were all so hungry from the night before that cardboard with some peanut butter would've been fabulous. Actually, it would have been a lot cheaper if we had went that route----orange juice was $5 a glass! And we fell for it! My blood sugar must have been at an all-time low that AM. I hate breakfast and I could not get enough juice or milk! Oh well.
Off to the spa! I had been waiting months for this day. The Claremont's website seemed to suggest that the spa and salon would be the best place on the face of the earth--winning all sorts of awards from Vogue and such as the best day spa in the USA. Hooray! Right? Well, maybe I am just hard to please, or I have high expectations, but I thought the place was a crap factory. I was so not impressed with my tropical manicure (bullshit!) and 80-minute pedicure----both my nail jobs had chipped within 2 days! Boo hoo! Sonja probably did the smartest treatment---stone massage! She was in high heaven when we presented her with her birthday present: a gift certificate to the spa! The icing on the cake would have been a male masseuse, but you can't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Not that she would have noticed---in true Karen Walker fashion, Sonja realized she had Luci's dog prednizone pills in her purse when we went through security at the airport! I think she might have scarfed down a couple because she was all smiles the rest of the day! Lu-Suri was fine---a couple days without her medicine will make her stronger!
Betsi's theme for the day was, "What else can I have done?" After her and Deb finished their facials, they met me in the salon for pedicures, and that's when the ideas started flowing. Betsi desperately wanted more treatments done--she tried to get a hair appointment for that afternoon in the salon--no luck. She saw a picture of Rachel Bilson, from "The O.C.," in some magazine, and decided she wanted to copy her hair color. So she asked the salon employees for suggestions of salons in Berkeley so she could get it done right then and there---everyone was booked! Everyone in northern California must have seen the same picture and had the same idea.
The brainstorming continued as we lounged by the pool later in the afternoon, snacking on mac and cheese (excellent---from Paragon, highly recommended by the salon staff), and soaking up some rays. Sonja got a suggestion from the front desk for her birthday dinner---as Deb said, "You get to choose where we eat for your birthday dinner!" How thoughtful! :) We later had to go to Enterprise so Betsi could get another car for all of her errands on Thursday, and while we did that and went to Whole Foods for snacks and breakfast foods--no more $30 breakfasts for us!---we made a pitstop at Walgreens for other necessities. Betsi remembered by this point that one of her friends who lived in the area was a hair stylist, or something along those lines, so she bought a home highlighting kit and had this friend do her magic later in the evening, after dinner. Crisis averted!
So, it's dinner time, and we roll on over to Juan's--Sonja's pick for dinner, based on the recommendation from the front desk at the hotel. The girl who recommended it said it was off the beaten path, very cozy, makes the best wine margaritas ever (good news for yours truly, as I HATE tequila!). Sony and Deb were in car #1, leading Betsi and I in car #2 through the city of Berkeley to this little whole-in-the-wall place. After missing our turn for Pedro (which was really San Pedro---Sonja was the navigator, but she flunked map reading in the National Guard; go figure), we got to our destination. Juan's was on a little side street in the rough part of town. Driving up to it, Betsi and I were both like, "Oh hell no." Ditto for the car in front of us; I think Deb's exact words were, "We are not going in there!" But we drove past the front window and I said to Betsi, "Oh, there are old people eating in there, we'll be fine." So in we went!
Good thing Sony called ahead and made reservations...this place was straight up El Loro's in Berkeley! "Reservation for 4!" said Sony to the waiter, who pointed us to one of the many empty tables. NOTE: no reservations needed at Juan's. So we sit down and within 10 seconds, there are two bowls of chips on our table (homemade chips, made from either flour tortillas---mine and Sony's fave---or corn tortillas), a couple different salsas, and a big plate of guacamole. Not nearly as tasty as my guacamole, but lots of tomatoes in it, which are my fave. I heart tomatoes! We order our drinks---wine margaritas, Dos XX, Miller Lite for Betsi---and start in on the menu. Deb leaned over and interrupted a couple on a date to find out what they were having, since it looked so tasty. El Matador was their dish of choice, which quickly became our dish of choice--everyone ordered that!
We're making our way through chips and salsa and drinks as fast as they can bring them, and miraculously we leave room for some of our dinner. All of a sudden, mid-meal, the lights dim and you can hear someone starting a tape player of a Mexican-themed Happy Birthday song, much like at the roller rink when the Sesame Street birthday song comes on. Out of the kitchen comes a swarm of employees, carrying a plate of sopapillas with a candle in it, and a sparkly sombrero. All of our eyes become as big as saucers and we look over at Sony, who is squirming in her seat, hoping they pass her by. NOPE! Here they come to our table, singing away, and the whole restaurante joins in. Sony throws her head back, laughing, and the waiter slams the sombrero on her head. Deb, who has had 2 wine margaritas by this point, tries to take a picture of the moment but hit the video function instead of picture function on her digital camera, so unfortunately we have no record of this, but tears of laughter were flowing. Best birthday dinner ever! Deb even said she wanted to keep drinking! This never happens! Dinner was a success, and we left full of food, drinks, and good times. Betsi left us at this point to meet up with her friends...and to get her hair done. Next blog entry: Napa Valley!
So, the day started with me getting up at 7:00 AM or so to go to the bathroom. Not usually an interesting event, except for the fact that I forgot in my sleep-deprived state that the bed was about 4 feet up off the ground, so I was trying to fish around in the dark on the floor for my flip-flops (never walk in bare feet in a hotel room! the carpeting is basically sperm!) while balancing on the edge of the bed. I guess I wasn't too quiet, because Deb saw the whole thing and was laughing about it at breakfast. But I did not get any nasty carpet/sperm-borne diseases on my feet during the trip, so it was totally worth it!
We had a lovely breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel (Jordan's, I think), but we were all so hungry from the night before that cardboard with some peanut butter would've been fabulous. Actually, it would have been a lot cheaper if we had went that route----orange juice was $5 a glass! And we fell for it! My blood sugar must have been at an all-time low that AM. I hate breakfast and I could not get enough juice or milk! Oh well.
Off to the spa! I had been waiting months for this day. The Claremont's website seemed to suggest that the spa and salon would be the best place on the face of the earth--winning all sorts of awards from Vogue and such as the best day spa in the USA. Hooray! Right? Well, maybe I am just hard to please, or I have high expectations, but I thought the place was a crap factory. I was so not impressed with my tropical manicure (bullshit!) and 80-minute pedicure----both my nail jobs had chipped within 2 days! Boo hoo! Sonja probably did the smartest treatment---stone massage! She was in high heaven when we presented her with her birthday present: a gift certificate to the spa! The icing on the cake would have been a male masseuse, but you can't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Not that she would have noticed---in true Karen Walker fashion, Sonja realized she had Luci's dog prednizone pills in her purse when we went through security at the airport! I think she might have scarfed down a couple because she was all smiles the rest of the day! Lu-Suri was fine---a couple days without her medicine will make her stronger!
Betsi's theme for the day was, "What else can I have done?" After her and Deb finished their facials, they met me in the salon for pedicures, and that's when the ideas started flowing. Betsi desperately wanted more treatments done--she tried to get a hair appointment for that afternoon in the salon--no luck. She saw a picture of Rachel Bilson, from "The O.C.," in some magazine, and decided she wanted to copy her hair color. So she asked the salon employees for suggestions of salons in Berkeley so she could get it done right then and there---everyone was booked! Everyone in northern California must have seen the same picture and had the same idea.
The brainstorming continued as we lounged by the pool later in the afternoon, snacking on mac and cheese (excellent---from Paragon, highly recommended by the salon staff), and soaking up some rays. Sonja got a suggestion from the front desk for her birthday dinner---as Deb said, "You get to choose where we eat for your birthday dinner!" How thoughtful! :) We later had to go to Enterprise so Betsi could get another car for all of her errands on Thursday, and while we did that and went to Whole Foods for snacks and breakfast foods--no more $30 breakfasts for us!---we made a pitstop at Walgreens for other necessities. Betsi remembered by this point that one of her friends who lived in the area was a hair stylist, or something along those lines, so she bought a home highlighting kit and had this friend do her magic later in the evening, after dinner. Crisis averted!
So, it's dinner time, and we roll on over to Juan's--Sonja's pick for dinner, based on the recommendation from the front desk at the hotel. The girl who recommended it said it was off the beaten path, very cozy, makes the best wine margaritas ever (good news for yours truly, as I HATE tequila!). Sony and Deb were in car #1, leading Betsi and I in car #2 through the city of Berkeley to this little whole-in-the-wall place. After missing our turn for Pedro (which was really San Pedro---Sonja was the navigator, but she flunked map reading in the National Guard; go figure), we got to our destination. Juan's was on a little side street in the rough part of town. Driving up to it, Betsi and I were both like, "Oh hell no." Ditto for the car in front of us; I think Deb's exact words were, "We are not going in there!" But we drove past the front window and I said to Betsi, "Oh, there are old people eating in there, we'll be fine." So in we went!
Good thing Sony called ahead and made reservations...this place was straight up El Loro's in Berkeley! "Reservation for 4!" said Sony to the waiter, who pointed us to one of the many empty tables. NOTE: no reservations needed at Juan's. So we sit down and within 10 seconds, there are two bowls of chips on our table (homemade chips, made from either flour tortillas---mine and Sony's fave---or corn tortillas), a couple different salsas, and a big plate of guacamole. Not nearly as tasty as my guacamole, but lots of tomatoes in it, which are my fave. I heart tomatoes! We order our drinks---wine margaritas, Dos XX, Miller Lite for Betsi---and start in on the menu. Deb leaned over and interrupted a couple on a date to find out what they were having, since it looked so tasty. El Matador was their dish of choice, which quickly became our dish of choice--everyone ordered that!
We're making our way through chips and salsa and drinks as fast as they can bring them, and miraculously we leave room for some of our dinner. All of a sudden, mid-meal, the lights dim and you can hear someone starting a tape player of a Mexican-themed Happy Birthday song, much like at the roller rink when the Sesame Street birthday song comes on. Out of the kitchen comes a swarm of employees, carrying a plate of sopapillas with a candle in it, and a sparkly sombrero. All of our eyes become as big as saucers and we look over at Sony, who is squirming in her seat, hoping they pass her by. NOPE! Here they come to our table, singing away, and the whole restaurante joins in. Sony throws her head back, laughing, and the waiter slams the sombrero on her head. Deb, who has had 2 wine margaritas by this point, tries to take a picture of the moment but hit the video function instead of picture function on her digital camera, so unfortunately we have no record of this, but tears of laughter were flowing. Best birthday dinner ever! Deb even said she wanted to keep drinking! This never happens! Dinner was a success, and we left full of food, drinks, and good times. Betsi left us at this point to meet up with her friends...and to get her hair done. Next blog entry: Napa Valley!
Monday, September 11, 2006
"33 in Napa Valley!" day one
After months of waiting and planning and shopping for accessories, the big day finally arrived on Tuesday, September 5, 2006: the girls and I left for San Francisco/Berkeley/Napa Valley! No, I'm not talking about my 'girls,' I'm talking about me, Deb, Betsi, and Sonja aka birthday girl! We had a late flight, leaving MSP at 9:00 PM on Tuesday night and arriving in San Francisco at about 11:15 PM (1:15 AM Minnesota time). Incident #1 occurred at the airport: Deborah threw her back out, lifting her overpacked suitcase onto the check-in counter. She packed 54 lbs.! The limit is 50! So she had to pull out her extra bag and throw her shoes in there. I think she had 7 pairs of shoes--Sonja took the crown though with 10 pairs! 5 of those were heels! Yikes!
Quote #1: 'Crikey!' This became my battle cry after about 10 minutes into our trip (as soon as we were out of security, I'm sure). In honor of the late, great Steve Irwin, who gave his life so we could all enjoy wildlife...especially me, since I had my 'Snakes on a Plane on my Shoulder' silver Calvin Klein handbag---very snakey! Anyhoo...back to the flight...yawn! What a long flight! It took us about an hour to get our car from the airport parking garage, so we were in a giggly mood already due to the lack of sleep. Luckily, we managed to get an upgraded SUV from the good people at Budget car rentals---the guy in the parking lot told us to take whatever one we wanted! After a slight detour to a sexy mini-van (no Sonja, no mini-vans!), we loaded up into a very classy Buick Renier, or something like that, and hit the road for The Claremont Resort and Spa in hippie-friendly Berkeley, CA.
We started in towards San Francisco, where we were going to cross over the bay on the Bay Bridge, or so we thought---turns out, the freeway we needed was closed from midnight to 6:00 AM, so we took a detour through the streets of San Fran, and by streets, I mean the dirty underbelly of the city. It was so not hot. I did expect to see Starsky and Hutch pop out at any time, flying over one of the streets in their hot rod car, saying 'Do it. Do it.' Alas, it didn't happen. Maybe I had the vision of them flying over the streets in my head because Deb seemed to inherit some Evel Knievel-like driving skills----my life was flashing before my eyes at every corner!
So, after about 30 minutes of sight-seeing in SF, we were on the Bay Bridge, heading towards our destination. We had completely accurate directions from the staff at the hotel, so we were in good hands. Or so we thought. We missed our exit, so we exited onto some road in the city of Richmond. It was not too good looking of an area. Quote #2 of the trip: as we were driving in this desolate neighborhood, I said, 'Roll 'em up!' a la Clark W. Griswold in that American classic, National Lampoon's Vacation. Is there any better movie ever made on the great family vacation? Nope! We turned back around and made our way back towards civilization. The actual exit, Ashby Ave., was not too hot looking either, so after driving for a few minutes, we pulled over again and called the hotel. Nope, we were on the right road, and after another couple of minutes, we saw our home for the next few nights. It was a beacon in the night, all lit up in white lighting and sitting perched on the hill. Beautiful! I'm a bit of a google-a-holic, and I found out that the Claremont was the hotel shown in So I Married an Axe Murderer, another classic film. The man at the front desk tried to help us find something to eat, since it was well after 1:00 AM in California now, and we had been up for nearly 24 hours and were starving. The only suggestion in the area still open was Jack in the Box, and since we chose life over death, we did not eat this swill. Good thing, too! Sonja said people died from food poisoning at this joint. That could be wrong, but the argument worked for us that night!
Betsi got us upgraded into a room on the spa level, so we made our way downstairs, then over, up, and down again, until we found our room at the end of the hall, overlooking the tennis courts (home of the Berkeley Tennis Club--Al would have been in heaven). This isn't to say it was easy--I was driving the bellhop cart (since none of them were working at this hour), and I ran the top finial into the doorjam a few times. Of course, I was so tired and loopy that I could do nothing to avoid this, and when I tried to explain what happened, my mouth simply could not push the words out due to lack of sleep! Boo hoo.
The four of us quickly got ready for bed, since we had skipped dinner, or whatever meal we had missed, and fell into bed. Naturally, our giddy slumber-party sides took over, and we kept talking and laughing until Betsi scolded us: 'Okay, I think it's time for bed now!' Then she started talking too. Brain power was at an all-time low that day/night/morning/etc. Ladies--did I forget anything from day 1? Let me know!
Day 2 will be here as soon as I can get to it!
Quote #1: 'Crikey!' This became my battle cry after about 10 minutes into our trip (as soon as we were out of security, I'm sure). In honor of the late, great Steve Irwin, who gave his life so we could all enjoy wildlife...especially me, since I had my 'Snakes on a Plane on my Shoulder' silver Calvin Klein handbag---very snakey! Anyhoo...back to the flight...yawn! What a long flight! It took us about an hour to get our car from the airport parking garage, so we were in a giggly mood already due to the lack of sleep. Luckily, we managed to get an upgraded SUV from the good people at Budget car rentals---the guy in the parking lot told us to take whatever one we wanted! After a slight detour to a sexy mini-van (no Sonja, no mini-vans!), we loaded up into a very classy Buick Renier, or something like that, and hit the road for The Claremont Resort and Spa in hippie-friendly Berkeley, CA.
We started in towards San Francisco, where we were going to cross over the bay on the Bay Bridge, or so we thought---turns out, the freeway we needed was closed from midnight to 6:00 AM, so we took a detour through the streets of San Fran, and by streets, I mean the dirty underbelly of the city. It was so not hot. I did expect to see Starsky and Hutch pop out at any time, flying over one of the streets in their hot rod car, saying 'Do it. Do it.' Alas, it didn't happen. Maybe I had the vision of them flying over the streets in my head because Deb seemed to inherit some Evel Knievel-like driving skills----my life was flashing before my eyes at every corner!
So, after about 30 minutes of sight-seeing in SF, we were on the Bay Bridge, heading towards our destination. We had completely accurate directions from the staff at the hotel, so we were in good hands. Or so we thought. We missed our exit, so we exited onto some road in the city of Richmond. It was not too good looking of an area. Quote #2 of the trip: as we were driving in this desolate neighborhood, I said, 'Roll 'em up!' a la Clark W. Griswold in that American classic, National Lampoon's Vacation. Is there any better movie ever made on the great family vacation? Nope! We turned back around and made our way back towards civilization. The actual exit, Ashby Ave., was not too hot looking either, so after driving for a few minutes, we pulled over again and called the hotel. Nope, we were on the right road, and after another couple of minutes, we saw our home for the next few nights. It was a beacon in the night, all lit up in white lighting and sitting perched on the hill. Beautiful! I'm a bit of a google-a-holic, and I found out that the Claremont was the hotel shown in So I Married an Axe Murderer, another classic film. The man at the front desk tried to help us find something to eat, since it was well after 1:00 AM in California now, and we had been up for nearly 24 hours and were starving. The only suggestion in the area still open was Jack in the Box, and since we chose life over death, we did not eat this swill. Good thing, too! Sonja said people died from food poisoning at this joint. That could be wrong, but the argument worked for us that night!
Betsi got us upgraded into a room on the spa level, so we made our way downstairs, then over, up, and down again, until we found our room at the end of the hall, overlooking the tennis courts (home of the Berkeley Tennis Club--Al would have been in heaven). This isn't to say it was easy--I was driving the bellhop cart (since none of them were working at this hour), and I ran the top finial into the doorjam a few times. Of course, I was so tired and loopy that I could do nothing to avoid this, and when I tried to explain what happened, my mouth simply could not push the words out due to lack of sleep! Boo hoo.
The four of us quickly got ready for bed, since we had skipped dinner, or whatever meal we had missed, and fell into bed. Naturally, our giddy slumber-party sides took over, and we kept talking and laughing until Betsi scolded us: 'Okay, I think it's time for bed now!' Then she started talking too. Brain power was at an all-time low that day/night/morning/etc. Ladies--did I forget anything from day 1? Let me know!
Day 2 will be here as soon as I can get to it!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
California, here we come!
It's been a while since I heard that song at Nye's...so sad!
Anyhoo...tonight Betsi, Deb, Sonja, and I leave for California! I am very excited. Here's our itinerary:
**Wednesday: spa day at the Claremont Resort and Spa (I'm having a mani/pedi done), followed by lounging around and a lovely dinner in Berkeley
**Thursday: wine vineyard tours! I'm most excited for the champagne vineyard tour; Rick Rodriguez (from our EB days) said it was the best one to tour
**Friday: San Francisco day. Deb's gone all German-tourist for us and booked an Alcatraz tour, then we're off to see the other sights in town. Maybe a fancy dinner for Sonja's birthday that night, but realistically speaking, we'll be tired from our day out and about, and we'll just end up boozing it up with the other Gopher fans at the hotel
**Saturday: GAME DAY! Say a prayer that the Gophers don't get spanked by Cal--fingers crossed!
I'll take plenty of pics and try and update the blog while I'm out there!
Anyhoo...tonight Betsi, Deb, Sonja, and I leave for California! I am very excited. Here's our itinerary:
**Wednesday: spa day at the Claremont Resort and Spa (I'm having a mani/pedi done), followed by lounging around and a lovely dinner in Berkeley
**Thursday: wine vineyard tours! I'm most excited for the champagne vineyard tour; Rick Rodriguez (from our EB days) said it was the best one to tour
**Friday: San Francisco day. Deb's gone all German-tourist for us and booked an Alcatraz tour, then we're off to see the other sights in town. Maybe a fancy dinner for Sonja's birthday that night, but realistically speaking, we'll be tired from our day out and about, and we'll just end up boozing it up with the other Gopher fans at the hotel
**Saturday: GAME DAY! Say a prayer that the Gophers don't get spanked by Cal--fingers crossed!
I'll take plenty of pics and try and update the blog while I'm out there!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
E in South Park
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
State Fair
I went to the Minnesota State Fair yesterday with one of my BFF's, Debbers. She had been there since 8:00AM, or something like that, and I met her and Mary (a WS co-worker of ours) at the Miracle of Birth barn at 2:15PM to begin my only day of hecticness at the fair this year. Thank God--I can only take so much of the fairgrounds before I turn into a people-hater....wait a tick, too late for that. I already hate too much. Anyhoo...since I didn't eat breakfast or lunch yesterday in anticipation of the great food at the fair, I insisted we head straight to Andy's Garage for our 'annual' meal of Philly cheesesteak sandwiches and French fries. I say annual because Deb called it our annual event, of which we have done only last year. So it is a new annual event, but nevertheless, it is now our State Fair tradition. We really need to find new friends or something--we spend too much time together! :)
Like always, the sandwich and fries were excellent--I was famished! I didn't have anything to drink, since I was saving myself for the all-you-can-drink-milk truck by the exit. I made my first witty comment of the day at this point: birth control should be free to everyone, because there were WAY too many people at the fair who have been allowed to reproduce. For every 100 wastes-of-space humans, there was one decent one! And laser tattoo removal people would make a killing at the fair---TONS of ugly, gross tattoos on ugly, gross, flabby skin. But I digress.
After we ate, Mary left to go to work, and Deb and I continued our quest for the perfect fair foods. Next stop: the U of M building, so Deb could check in on her interns. Finding them alive was a relief, enough so that we went and next got some cheese curds----the best fair food ever! They never fail to amaze me. Delicious! Deb had a root beer, I had a Diet Coke to drink--they were too salty to not have a beverage.
Now that were had some food in our bellies, we took a while to walk around and take in all the sights. We walked over to the Leinie Lodge and the Bandshell---no one was performing. Deb and I went over to the Empire Commons building--the Dairy building--and looked at the Princess Kay of the Milky Way butter sculptures--always a crowd pleaser! Next, back to the Miracle of Birth center, where we found out that the cow who had been birthing a calf when I arrived at 2:15PM gave birth to the biggest calf of the fair so far: 115 lbs! But the best part was as we were walking into the building--Frank Vascallero and Amelia Santeniello were walking through the fair gates, and Deb nearly peed. She loves Channel 4 and all of their anchors! We walked around and looked at the newborn calves, lambs, and piglets--too cute! After this, we went up to the Grandstand to see what kind of crap they were selling. I bought an awesome panoramic poster of Princes Street in Edinburgh--my old stomping grounds--and Deb bought some golf towels for family members. While we were upstairs, you could hear the Steve Miller Band doing soundchecks for their show that night, and while we were downstairs, I swooned over Matt Garza and Boof Bonser, who had an off-day and were at the Fairgrounds--I nearly ran right into them! How exciting! They were like my own version of Frank and Amelia!
We started to lose our steam by this point, and I wanted one last morsel of food from the fair. I decided to try something new: Hot Dish on a Stick, from the Ole and Lena booth by the entrance to the Midway. It was tater tots, meatballs, and batter, lined up on a stick and deep fried, served with cream of mushroom soup for dipping. Basically, tater-tot hotdish on a stick! It was alright--I thought the batter was a little sweet--but I was glad I tried it. Deb got a skin-on footlong weiner for her last treat of the day, then it was off to the milk truck for all-you-can-drink milk. I had about 3 glasses of milk--but it was 2% only. Deb had some chocolate milk--I hate chocolate milk--and then we went to the bus and made our way back to the U. I nearly fell asleep from all the milk and tots in my stomach, but it was worth it.
Overall, the fair was perfect yesterday--not too crowded, since the weather wasn't the greatest, but plenty of freakish people to stare at, and plenty of great food! My feet were filthy, I somehow had syrup on my shins, but I had my fill and was happy.
Until next year!
Like always, the sandwich and fries were excellent--I was famished! I didn't have anything to drink, since I was saving myself for the all-you-can-drink-milk truck by the exit. I made my first witty comment of the day at this point: birth control should be free to everyone, because there were WAY too many people at the fair who have been allowed to reproduce. For every 100 wastes-of-space humans, there was one decent one! And laser tattoo removal people would make a killing at the fair---TONS of ugly, gross tattoos on ugly, gross, flabby skin. But I digress.
After we ate, Mary left to go to work, and Deb and I continued our quest for the perfect fair foods. Next stop: the U of M building, so Deb could check in on her interns. Finding them alive was a relief, enough so that we went and next got some cheese curds----the best fair food ever! They never fail to amaze me. Delicious! Deb had a root beer, I had a Diet Coke to drink--they were too salty to not have a beverage.
Now that were had some food in our bellies, we took a while to walk around and take in all the sights. We walked over to the Leinie Lodge and the Bandshell---no one was performing. Deb and I went over to the Empire Commons building--the Dairy building--and looked at the Princess Kay of the Milky Way butter sculptures--always a crowd pleaser! Next, back to the Miracle of Birth center, where we found out that the cow who had been birthing a calf when I arrived at 2:15PM gave birth to the biggest calf of the fair so far: 115 lbs! But the best part was as we were walking into the building--Frank Vascallero and Amelia Santeniello were walking through the fair gates, and Deb nearly peed. She loves Channel 4 and all of their anchors! We walked around and looked at the newborn calves, lambs, and piglets--too cute! After this, we went up to the Grandstand to see what kind of crap they were selling. I bought an awesome panoramic poster of Princes Street in Edinburgh--my old stomping grounds--and Deb bought some golf towels for family members. While we were upstairs, you could hear the Steve Miller Band doing soundchecks for their show that night, and while we were downstairs, I swooned over Matt Garza and Boof Bonser, who had an off-day and were at the Fairgrounds--I nearly ran right into them! How exciting! They were like my own version of Frank and Amelia!
We started to lose our steam by this point, and I wanted one last morsel of food from the fair. I decided to try something new: Hot Dish on a Stick, from the Ole and Lena booth by the entrance to the Midway. It was tater tots, meatballs, and batter, lined up on a stick and deep fried, served with cream of mushroom soup for dipping. Basically, tater-tot hotdish on a stick! It was alright--I thought the batter was a little sweet--but I was glad I tried it. Deb got a skin-on footlong weiner for her last treat of the day, then it was off to the milk truck for all-you-can-drink milk. I had about 3 glasses of milk--but it was 2% only. Deb had some chocolate milk--I hate chocolate milk--and then we went to the bus and made our way back to the U. I nearly fell asleep from all the milk and tots in my stomach, but it was worth it.
Overall, the fair was perfect yesterday--not too crowded, since the weather wasn't the greatest, but plenty of freakish people to stare at, and plenty of great food! My feet were filthy, I somehow had syrup on my shins, but I had my fill and was happy.
Until next year!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Great quote
Courtesy of Karen Walker of Will and Grace fame:
"You don't buy tequila, you rent it."
Of course, I would substitute vodka/gin/beer for tequila, since it makes me yak, but that's just me.
"You don't buy tequila, you rent it."
Of course, I would substitute vodka/gin/beer for tequila, since it makes me yak, but that's just me.
Monday, April 10, 2006
I'm not making this up...
meet our newest weatherman, Sven Olaf Sundegaard:
read all about him: http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/14281372.htm
Only in Minnesota!
read all about him: http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/14281372.htm
Only in Minnesota!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Vegas
So, next year my dad's side of the family is having a 25-year "anniversary" trip to Las Vegas, seeing as how they did a trip there in 1982 and it'll be 25 years in 2007. I say "they" because I was left at home with my maternal grandparents while mom and dad went without me. Luckily, all of us get to go in 2007, so I've already begun counting down the weeks until this trip occurs. We even have a theme: "Keeping the Dream Alive." Did I mention we're all so very funny?
Anyhoo...seeing as how everyone who knows me knows that I want to run off and get married instead of doing the church thing, I have decided maybe I need to get married while on this trip next year. That way it'd be easy to get the fam there--I'd have to work on the other side--and what friends wouldn't love to come to Vegas for the weekend? So...now that I have given that some thought (and by thought, I mean I came to this conclusion after about 5 minutes), now all I have to do is meet Mr. Right and the plan will be complete! I'll keep you posted on my progress. --e
Anyhoo...seeing as how everyone who knows me knows that I want to run off and get married instead of doing the church thing, I have decided maybe I need to get married while on this trip next year. That way it'd be easy to get the fam there--I'd have to work on the other side--and what friends wouldn't love to come to Vegas for the weekend? So...now that I have given that some thought (and by thought, I mean I came to this conclusion after about 5 minutes), now all I have to do is meet Mr. Right and the plan will be complete! I'll keep you posted on my progress. --e
joke
For all the Scottish lovers out there...
Q: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
A: Lipstick, if he's lucky.
Oh, how I love that Scottish humour!
Q: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
A: Lipstick, if he's lucky.
Oh, how I love that Scottish humour!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
big move
well, I decided to dive head-first into debt, and I'm moving into a townhome next week! Having money is just not worth it...I actually close on St. Patrick's Day--maybe that's a good luck sign. I haven't had much good luck lately--in case you didn't know, I did NOT win the big Powerball jackpot, which I had really been hoping for--so this might be just what the doctor ordered! I'm looking for a roommate, though, so if anyone wants to live w/ me, the original party queen, at CR 11 and 35E in Burnsville (hot, I know), holla at your girl. That would be me. You know where to find me. Peace!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Top 10 List
Today's list...Top 10 Pet Peeves!
10. Slow walkers
9. Soft-spoken talkers--someone who doesn't speak loudly
8. Comb-overs
7. Women with moustaches who don't bleach/wax them
6. People who drive w/ their blinker on after they've turned/changed lanes
5. People who don't recycle
4. People who push their religious beliefs on others
3. People who can't make decisions
2. Slow talkers
1. Bad spelling--not acceptable!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. Slow walkers
9. Soft-spoken talkers--someone who doesn't speak loudly
8. Comb-overs
7. Women with moustaches who don't bleach/wax them
6. People who drive w/ their blinker on after they've turned/changed lanes
5. People who don't recycle
4. People who push their religious beliefs on others
3. People who can't make decisions
2. Slow talkers
1. Bad spelling--not acceptable!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very sad day...
A part of my heart died yesterday when, at age 45, one of my sports heroes died. Kirby Puckett died from complications due to a stroke that he suffered on Sunday. Kirby made some bad choices (roaming hands...), but I will always remember him for Game 6 of the 1991 World Series, and for his handshake with Al Neuman. What a loss!
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Top 10 List
Today's subject: TV SHOWS!
10. Project Runway
9. The Biggest Loser
8. Family Guy
7. The Amazing Race
6. Arrested Development
5. South Park
4. Cash in the Attic--the BBC version
3. The Price is Right
2. Jeopardy!
1. The Simpsons
10. Project Runway
9. The Biggest Loser
8. Family Guy
7. The Amazing Race
6. Arrested Development
5. South Park
4. Cash in the Attic--the BBC version
3. The Price is Right
2. Jeopardy!
1. The Simpsons
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Whiskers on kittens...
Okay, here are some more of my favorite things:
1. Gopher hockey (RAH!)
2. those gauzy blankets with satin trim--I love rubbing the satin on my cheek when I'm lying in bed!
3. handbags...and accessories in general, i.e. sparkly, dangly earrings
4. vodka and red bull
5. Eric Cartman, when he's hating on hippies (I'm watching South Park right now). Actually, I like Eric Cartman at any time--he is just so funny!
6. Gasthof's, Nye's, and Bill Koncar
7. Project Runway--but I hate Santino!
I'm out--going to bed. Ciao.
1. Gopher hockey (RAH!)
2. those gauzy blankets with satin trim--I love rubbing the satin on my cheek when I'm lying in bed!
3. handbags...and accessories in general, i.e. sparkly, dangly earrings
4. vodka and red bull
5. Eric Cartman, when he's hating on hippies (I'm watching South Park right now). Actually, I like Eric Cartman at any time--he is just so funny!
6. Gasthof's, Nye's, and Bill Koncar
7. Project Runway--but I hate Santino!
I'm out--going to bed. Ciao.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Raindrops on roses...
In honor of Deb's list, here are Erica's top 5 favorite things, in no particular order:
- Beer
- Text messaging
- Sandals
- Lip products, i.e. lip gloss, lipstick, etc.
- Cheese
Please note: this list is subject to change at any time, especially if I am tipsy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
p.o.s. car
Another funny story---
in October 1999, one of my good friends from high school, Danie, was having a Halloween party down in Mankato, where she went to college. Already, you should be thinking to yourself, "Yuck!" because Mankato is quite skanky. Nevertheless, I told her that I would be there with bells on. I invited our mutual friend Matt to come along, since he had nothing better to do (which implies I had nothing better to do!). The plan was that I'd pick him up at the MOA, where he was working at Old Navy--his career goal at the time, since he had been kicked out of the U--and I would drive us down to the land of milk and honey that is Mankato. SO...it's about 8p and I pick up the dude at MOA and we hit the road.
We're driving along, making small talk, etc. etc., and he becomes quieter throughout the trip, pretty much falling silent once we hit LeSeuer. I think nothing of it--I'm not one to make conversation for the sake of making conversation, plus it was late at night and he had been working all day, so I figured he was all tuckered out. A short time after that, we arrive in Mankato (my first time there!) and I pulled into the parking lot at the Happy Chef, take Matt's cell phone, and call Danie so she can come meet us and direct us to her apartment in the sticks. Matt went inside to use the little boy's room.
While I'm on the phone and doing my hair (I went as Mary from "There's Something About Mary"--I was spraying my bangs straight up), I said to Danie, "This town smells like shit!" I had the window open this whole time, since I was using enough hairspray to drown a small dog. We chat a little longer, and finally hang up and I roll up the window. Still no sign of Matt. I then started to think to myself, It sort of smells in here, too! I ran all the logical situations through my brain--maybe I stepped in dog poop, so I checked the bottoms of my shoes, the carpeting in the driver and passenger seat, the floors of the back seats--nothing. The smell of manure doesn't permeate to that extent, so now I'm worried. I then have a look over at the passenger seat, and what do I see? Why, there's a dark, wet-looking blob on my upholstery! With a quizzical look on my face, I lean over to investigate [read: smell] and immediately sit upright and start coughing. I couldn't believe it--Matthew had pooped his pants in my car!!!!!! There have been few times in my life where I have been completely speechless, and this was one of them. He finally came out the car a few minutes later...with his sweatshirt tied around his waist. Now, the dipshit (no pun intended), didn't pack an overnight bag, so he was wearing these stinky drawers all night long. I didn't know what to say to him, I was so gobsmacked.
We get to the party and I ran over to another mutual friend, Jenny, and I sort of half-laugh, half-cry at her, "I think Matt pooped in my car!!!" She gets this important look on her face and says, "I'll go find out!" A couple of minutes later, she comes back with the verdict: "Yep, he smells like shit!" Matt spent the first couple of hours at the party in the bathroom, emerging for a couple of minutes at a time when someone else needed to use the toilet, or when he needed a refill. But after a while, he was drunk and stopped caring about having stinky drawers and started caring about making awkward passes at the guys there (Matt was closet gay at the time). Throughout the night, Jenny and I tried to rationalize how this happened:
Erica: maybe it just leaked right out his a-hole!
Jenny: maybe he had some of those potato chips that go right through you!
Erica: why wouldn't he just say something like, "I've gotta puke," or, "I'm gonna be sick!" and make me pull over? He didn't have to say, "I've gotta shit!"
Jenny: why wouldn't he bring something to change in to?
Erica: isn't there a 24-hr Walmart or something like that in this urine soaked hell hole of a town?
Needless to say, our questions were never answered. We all fell asleep, with Matt sleeping i the corner, still in his poopy pants, wearing a silver glittery wig that he stole from someone, and everyone else crowded on the other side of the room.
The next morning, we wake up and head home. Unfortunately for us, it was Daylight Savings Time the night before, which meant that the sun had been baking this brown batter into my car seat for an extra hour. I didn't think to crack a window the night before, so when I opened up my door, I was hit by a wave of poo-poo fumes. Matthew, either being really dumb or really stupid (a little from column A, a little from column B), said nothing. We drove in silence to Subway and had subs for breakfast. I opted for the meatball sub, and the only reason I remember this is because Matt said to me, "That smells like shit." I was still in my mute stage from being totally apalled at him laying one down in my passenger seat that I didn't say anything back to him. Now that I am older and more mature [read: quicker with the insults], I would have had something to say back. We drive home in silence, because the silent shitter has fallen asleep in my passenger seat, bringing everything full circle: sleeping in his poopy pants in the poopy seat that he created.
After I dropped him off, I went to the gym, and on my way to leave, my car battery died. Maybe it just gave up due to the carbon monoxide poisoning that I'm sure was occuring in my car, but it was probably just a dead battery. So I had to have some guy give me a jump and drive Hershel (my Dodge Neon) home. I decided that making a dent on the poo-poo clean up was more important than dealing with the car battery, so I took every chemical I could find in my parents' garage and dumped it on the front seat and started scrubbing. I made pretty good progress--I'm sure the chemicals did something to the seat frame, but I was not going to be branded as having a stinky, shitty car!--when the 'rents came home from wherever they were, visiting grandma or something. My mom didn't say anything, but my dad was over talking to the neighbor and said, "What happened, did someone puke?" I looked up and said, "I wish. Matt took a crap in my car!" I don't think dad was expecting to hear that, because he fell silent.
Matt didn't call me to hang out after that day until about 2 years later. I certainly wasn't going to call him, because I was still in shock! In December of that year, I ran into a former classmate of ours who knows everyone involved in the story while I was at Rainbow buying stuff to make Christmas cookies, and he comes up to me and says, "So I heard about shitty britches." It took me about 30 seconds to register what he said, then I looked up at him and exclaimed, "Oh, you've heard about that, too???" Good stories are hard to keep down in the AV town, no doubt.
in October 1999, one of my good friends from high school, Danie, was having a Halloween party down in Mankato, where she went to college. Already, you should be thinking to yourself, "Yuck!" because Mankato is quite skanky. Nevertheless, I told her that I would be there with bells on. I invited our mutual friend Matt to come along, since he had nothing better to do (which implies I had nothing better to do!). The plan was that I'd pick him up at the MOA, where he was working at Old Navy--his career goal at the time, since he had been kicked out of the U--and I would drive us down to the land of milk and honey that is Mankato. SO...it's about 8p and I pick up the dude at MOA and we hit the road.
We're driving along, making small talk, etc. etc., and he becomes quieter throughout the trip, pretty much falling silent once we hit LeSeuer. I think nothing of it--I'm not one to make conversation for the sake of making conversation, plus it was late at night and he had been working all day, so I figured he was all tuckered out. A short time after that, we arrive in Mankato (my first time there!) and I pulled into the parking lot at the Happy Chef, take Matt's cell phone, and call Danie so she can come meet us and direct us to her apartment in the sticks. Matt went inside to use the little boy's room.
While I'm on the phone and doing my hair (I went as Mary from "There's Something About Mary"--I was spraying my bangs straight up), I said to Danie, "This town smells like shit!" I had the window open this whole time, since I was using enough hairspray to drown a small dog. We chat a little longer, and finally hang up and I roll up the window. Still no sign of Matt. I then started to think to myself, It sort of smells in here, too! I ran all the logical situations through my brain--maybe I stepped in dog poop, so I checked the bottoms of my shoes, the carpeting in the driver and passenger seat, the floors of the back seats--nothing. The smell of manure doesn't permeate to that extent, so now I'm worried. I then have a look over at the passenger seat, and what do I see? Why, there's a dark, wet-looking blob on my upholstery! With a quizzical look on my face, I lean over to investigate [read: smell] and immediately sit upright and start coughing. I couldn't believe it--Matthew had pooped his pants in my car!!!!!! There have been few times in my life where I have been completely speechless, and this was one of them. He finally came out the car a few minutes later...with his sweatshirt tied around his waist. Now, the dipshit (no pun intended), didn't pack an overnight bag, so he was wearing these stinky drawers all night long. I didn't know what to say to him, I was so gobsmacked.
We get to the party and I ran over to another mutual friend, Jenny, and I sort of half-laugh, half-cry at her, "I think Matt pooped in my car!!!" She gets this important look on her face and says, "I'll go find out!" A couple of minutes later, she comes back with the verdict: "Yep, he smells like shit!" Matt spent the first couple of hours at the party in the bathroom, emerging for a couple of minutes at a time when someone else needed to use the toilet, or when he needed a refill. But after a while, he was drunk and stopped caring about having stinky drawers and started caring about making awkward passes at the guys there (Matt was closet gay at the time). Throughout the night, Jenny and I tried to rationalize how this happened:
Erica: maybe it just leaked right out his a-hole!
Jenny: maybe he had some of those potato chips that go right through you!
Erica: why wouldn't he just say something like, "I've gotta puke," or, "I'm gonna be sick!" and make me pull over? He didn't have to say, "I've gotta shit!"
Jenny: why wouldn't he bring something to change in to?
Erica: isn't there a 24-hr Walmart or something like that in this urine soaked hell hole of a town?
Needless to say, our questions were never answered. We all fell asleep, with Matt sleeping i the corner, still in his poopy pants, wearing a silver glittery wig that he stole from someone, and everyone else crowded on the other side of the room.
The next morning, we wake up and head home. Unfortunately for us, it was Daylight Savings Time the night before, which meant that the sun had been baking this brown batter into my car seat for an extra hour. I didn't think to crack a window the night before, so when I opened up my door, I was hit by a wave of poo-poo fumes. Matthew, either being really dumb or really stupid (a little from column A, a little from column B), said nothing. We drove in silence to Subway and had subs for breakfast. I opted for the meatball sub, and the only reason I remember this is because Matt said to me, "That smells like shit." I was still in my mute stage from being totally apalled at him laying one down in my passenger seat that I didn't say anything back to him. Now that I am older and more mature [read: quicker with the insults], I would have had something to say back. We drive home in silence, because the silent shitter has fallen asleep in my passenger seat, bringing everything full circle: sleeping in his poopy pants in the poopy seat that he created.
After I dropped him off, I went to the gym, and on my way to leave, my car battery died. Maybe it just gave up due to the carbon monoxide poisoning that I'm sure was occuring in my car, but it was probably just a dead battery. So I had to have some guy give me a jump and drive Hershel (my Dodge Neon) home. I decided that making a dent on the poo-poo clean up was more important than dealing with the car battery, so I took every chemical I could find in my parents' garage and dumped it on the front seat and started scrubbing. I made pretty good progress--I'm sure the chemicals did something to the seat frame, but I was not going to be branded as having a stinky, shitty car!--when the 'rents came home from wherever they were, visiting grandma or something. My mom didn't say anything, but my dad was over talking to the neighbor and said, "What happened, did someone puke?" I looked up and said, "I wish. Matt took a crap in my car!" I don't think dad was expecting to hear that, because he fell silent.
Matt didn't call me to hang out after that day until about 2 years later. I certainly wasn't going to call him, because I was still in shock! In December of that year, I ran into a former classmate of ours who knows everyone involved in the story while I was at Rainbow buying stuff to make Christmas cookies, and he comes up to me and says, "So I heard about shitty britches." It took me about 30 seconds to register what he said, then I looked up at him and exclaimed, "Oh, you've heard about that, too???" Good stories are hard to keep down in the AV town, no doubt.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Book Review #2
Seeing as how the Barnes and Noble giftcard was the #1 gift given to yours truly for Christmas this year, I have a new stack of books to read and tell all of you (well, all 10 of you) about. The first such book is The Secret Fruit of Peter Paddington, by Brian Francis. Oh. My. God. This book was so funny. I got a side pain from laughing so hard. This book is basically what a fiction story from David Sedaris would sound like if he were writing from the perspective of a fat, gay Canadian kid. Seriously, as if it weren't hard enough being a gay teenager: he has to be fat and Canadian, too! This kid, Peter Paddington, talks about how he wants to make a boy friend (not boyfriend, but friend who is a boy), but he's very self-conscious because he's a bit on the fat side, and his nipples stick out like cherries and say evil things to him. So, what does he do? He tapes the puppies down: first with bandages, then masking tape (nearly buying out the entire supply at the drug store--for masking tape sculptures, as he tells the shop owner), and finally with an Ace bandage. His best friend, Daniela, a hard-talking Italian with split ends who lives across the street, the only person he talks to...well, besides the vision of the Virgin Mary that he sees in his closet door ("Ave Maria," he said when he first saw it, then crossed himself--but in the wrong order, since he's Methodist and doesn't know how to cross himself like Catholics do). His mother sounded like she'd be just like Stewart's mother on Mad-TV, with the high-pitched scream/whisper type talking. And his sisters are on grapefruit diets all the time. Peter tests himself to see if he's gotten fatter by doing the knuckle-test: he sticks his finger in his belly button, and depending on if his finger goes in further than before, then he knows if he's gotten any bigger. I can't even begin to do this book justice. I think some people would probably be put off by knowing this kid is a closet-gay who is just so awkward that he doesn't know what to do with himself, but look beyond that: this is a very funny book about an awkward kid in Canada. Comic gold!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Bob's your uncle!
Well, well, well...so, our latest edition of Ladies' Night took place on 1/19 at Benchwarmer Bob's in Burnsville. O3 was kind enough to send us a review of the place prior to the event, but we didn't heed it any warning...that was a mistake on our part! The night seemed promising enough--Deb and I got there before happy hour ended, so our first drinks were cheap; the nachos looked very appetizing when they arrived; the waitstaff seemed to be okay with our overall obnoxious attitudes. Then, things went downhill:
- Deb found a hair in the nachos (which we weren't charged for)
- the waitress turned out to be an idiot and tried to blame her inattentiveness on having to be in school at 8AM
- the waitress also forgot to bring us beers when we requested (read: demanded) them, so we had to reminder her at least twice each time we needed a refill!
Not good. We were all talking about how we were in need of a signature restaurant to hold Ladies' Night at...needless to say, it won't be Bob's! Next night of fun is at Chili's--can't wait!
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I heart hockey!
This one is for Sarah aka O3 aka Ozone...
1. When the opposing team gets a penalty, the crowd says:
Hey buddy! You're outta here, you hack! You suck! You worthless piece of [bleep].
2. At the start of each period, the crowd sings to the opposing team's goalie, to the tune of Camptown Races...
first, they taunt him: [goalie's last name], [goalie's last name] , [goalie's last name] SUCKS! Then they sing:
[goalie's last name] is a great big sieve! Doo-dah, doo-dah! [goalie] is a great big sieve, let's the puck go by (you suck!!*)!! Let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! Let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! [goalie] is a great big sieve, let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! All...night...long!
**If the Gophers are in the lead, instead of saying (you suck!!), they'll sing (2 times!!) or whatever number of goals he's let in.
Let me know if this helps you out, you fry loving weinie.
1. When the opposing team gets a penalty, the crowd says:
Hey buddy! You're outta here, you hack! You suck! You worthless piece of [bleep].
2. At the start of each period, the crowd sings to the opposing team's goalie, to the tune of Camptown Races...
first, they taunt him: [goalie's last name], [goalie's last name] , [goalie's last name] SUCKS! Then they sing:
[goalie's last name] is a great big sieve! Doo-dah, doo-dah! [goalie] is a great big sieve, let's the puck go by (you suck!!*)!! Let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! Let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! [goalie] is a great big sieve, let's the puck go by (you suck!!)!! All...night...long!
**If the Gophers are in the lead, instead of saying (you suck!!), they'll sing (2 times!!) or whatever number of goals he's let in.
Let me know if this helps you out, you fry loving weinie.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Book Review #1--memories...
At the request of some loyal readers...well, actually, it was Clark...I am going to include book reviews on my blog so you too might read what I read! Think of it as the yin to Deb's yang (food reviews). I have read hundreds of books over the years, whether it is for school or for my own entertainment, so I'll give you a quick list of some of my favorite books. Here they are, in no particular order:
- Running With Scissors, Dry, and Magical Thinking, by Augusten Burroughs: these books are extremely funny, but very sad...until you think of it in the perspective of the author---it's the only life he's ever known, so how is it wrong to him when that's how he was raised? Hmmm...food for thought. His fiction book is good too: Sellevision.
- Me Talk Pretty One Day, Naked, Dress Your Family in corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris: three words--he is funny. This is one of those books about stories from one person's life/family/job/etc. that will have you laughing out loud. Be prepared for some stares if you read this in a quite place, i.e. the library or a coffee-shop.
- Any of the books by Bill Bryson: he's from Iowa, lived in England for 20+ years, then came back to the States, and now is back in the U.K. His humor is quietly witty--much like a stoic farmer from the Midwest, or a stoic farmer from Yorkshire. Some of his books are about trips he's taken, some are collections of essays, some are educational. All are excellent!
- The Namesake, by J. Lahiri (I think)...excellent novel if you like books that address any sort of Indian themes (dot, not feather).
- White Teeth, by Zadie Smith: set in London, this book is a long read (almost 700 pages!) about cross-cultural issues. Excellent read, but takes a while to get through.
Those are all that I can remember off of the top of my head. Be sure to check back in the future for further book reviews!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Office Slang
My comments are in red! Deb, Betsi: please see "Seagull Manager"
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From the website www.officeslang.com
New Office Slang
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404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.” Kind of like having ho's in different area codes.
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant. you lost me there, tex. uh, come again?
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.” This would be yours truly.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. I thought this was going to refer to the process of someone's ass growing from sitting at a desk for many years...but that'd probably be "assmorph" instead of "assmosis."
Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling” easier than talking
Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. How true! Debbers--you're so guilty of this.
Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market” sounds like something a breakdancer would do.
Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Pass that buck.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”) Sounds a lot better than brainfart.
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. Not a problem in my office...we're more like Drink Nazis, looking down on those who don't partake in a cocktail or 6 from time to time.
Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.” I'm not a fan of this one.
Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations. I always thought a brainfart was when you totally forgot information. Guess you learn something new every day!
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. If only I knew what CGI meant.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. I've got a meeting with "the Bobs."
Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.” I'm using chip jewelry right now to type this baby.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.” MMMMM...chips and salsa.
CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.” OMG.
Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes. Like www.ericaking.blogspot.com
Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!” Craptacular.
CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING..... I finally know what to yell at my dad when he does this at home.
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles. Are they free-range cubes?
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms. Bummer
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.” Seriously, who reads that comic? LAME!
Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.” not to be confused with "the munchies."
Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name. guilty as charged!
Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year” Long live the King.
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. I prefer AWOL.
Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was” Silly me, I thought this was a girl's name. Dope!
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?” Again, guilty as charged.
Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages. "Going Postal" had its Elvis Year in, like, 1996, for sure.
GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Isn't that basically what a career is?
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established. ...or someone who watches "Grey's Anatomy."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.” I call that my 8a-5p daily schedule.
High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD Erica
Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running. not just for gay men anymore
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. I feel that way about FOX's NFL coverage.
It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over. It's not my job, it's a feature. Does that work?
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards. aka Toaster Shakings/Toaster Leavings (the debate continues)
Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die. how sad...tear!
Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL” sounds like something Comic Book Guy would say
Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato. see my previous comment.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error. I have nothing clever to say--is that kind of like an ohnosecond?
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute. I call these people lucky bastards.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. just give it a tap-a-roo
Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.” I prefer to say "Daunte'ed" these days, but it only really applies if sheer force causes something to stop working.
Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.” see "Idea Hampster" for my comment
Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on. no, Prairie Dogging was described in the movie "Rat Race" as when...well, you'll just have to watch the movie. TOTALLY different meaning.
Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades” sounds like something you'd find at Famous Dave's...if it were in Loring Park
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!” I call these days "weekdays"
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. sounds like Shimo!
Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired” aka my parents' computer/tv/vcr setup in the family room
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage” do yuppies still exist?
Square-Headed Spouse - Computer "To start, press any key. Where's the anykey?"--Homer Simpson, in the episode where he becomes clinically obese so he can work from home. Gotta love that muu-muu!
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?” I thought of something totally different when I saw this
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. ...or any marriage in Hollywood
Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. I like "evil puppy" on Conan better.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away. Ain't that about a bitch?
Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.” That's a good idea
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. pretty lame
Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.” well, it's better than "friends w/ benefits"--I hate that term
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.” you're naughty
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment. or "vacation"
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. it's like "Twister" for your fingers
WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks. is that, like, people in, like, their 40's? Oh my gosh!
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW. whoa, zing!! that was a low blow...
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace. how else are you supposed to use up all the paper in the supply room? photocopy work things? ewww
Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM. or TYME machine--that one is for you, pumpy
=====================================
From the website www.officeslang.com
New Office Slang
=====================================
404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.” Kind of like having ho's in different area codes.
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant. you lost me there, tex. uh, come again?
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.” This would be yours truly.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. I thought this was going to refer to the process of someone's ass growing from sitting at a desk for many years...but that'd probably be "assmorph" instead of "assmosis."
Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling” easier than talking
Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. How true! Debbers--you're so guilty of this.
Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market” sounds like something a breakdancer would do.
Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Pass that buck.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”) Sounds a lot better than brainfart.
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. Not a problem in my office...we're more like Drink Nazis, looking down on those who don't partake in a cocktail or 6 from time to time.
Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.” I'm not a fan of this one.
Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations. I always thought a brainfart was when you totally forgot information. Guess you learn something new every day!
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. If only I knew what CGI meant.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. I've got a meeting with "the Bobs."
Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.” I'm using chip jewelry right now to type this baby.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.” MMMMM...chips and salsa.
CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.” OMG.
Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes. Like www.ericaking.blogspot.com
Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!” Craptacular.
CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING..... I finally know what to yell at my dad when he does this at home.
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles. Are they free-range cubes?
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms. Bummer
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.” Seriously, who reads that comic? LAME!
Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.” not to be confused with "the munchies."
Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name. guilty as charged!
Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year” Long live the King.
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. I prefer AWOL.
Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was” Silly me, I thought this was a girl's name. Dope!
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?” Again, guilty as charged.
Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages. "Going Postal" had its Elvis Year in, like, 1996, for sure.
GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Isn't that basically what a career is?
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established. ...or someone who watches "Grey's Anatomy."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.” I call that my 8a-5p daily schedule.
High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD Erica
Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running. not just for gay men anymore
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. I feel that way about FOX's NFL coverage.
It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over. It's not my job, it's a feature. Does that work?
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards. aka Toaster Shakings/Toaster Leavings (the debate continues)
Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die. how sad...tear!
Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL” sounds like something Comic Book Guy would say
Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato. see my previous comment.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error. I have nothing clever to say--is that kind of like an ohnosecond?
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute. I call these people lucky bastards.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. just give it a tap-a-roo
Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.” I prefer to say "Daunte'ed" these days, but it only really applies if sheer force causes something to stop working.
Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.” see "Idea Hampster" for my comment
Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on. no, Prairie Dogging was described in the movie "Rat Race" as when...well, you'll just have to watch the movie. TOTALLY different meaning.
Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades” sounds like something you'd find at Famous Dave's...if it were in Loring Park
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!” I call these days "weekdays"
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. sounds like Shimo!
Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired” aka my parents' computer/tv/vcr setup in the family room
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage” do yuppies still exist?
Square-Headed Spouse - Computer "To start, press any key. Where's the anykey?"--Homer Simpson, in the episode where he becomes clinically obese so he can work from home. Gotta love that muu-muu!
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?” I thought of something totally different when I saw this
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. ...or any marriage in Hollywood
Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. I like "evil puppy" on Conan better.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away. Ain't that about a bitch?
Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.” That's a good idea
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. pretty lame
Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.” well, it's better than "friends w/ benefits"--I hate that term
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.” you're naughty
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment. or "vacation"
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. it's like "Twister" for your fingers
WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks. is that, like, people in, like, their 40's? Oh my gosh!
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW. whoa, zing!! that was a low blow...
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace. how else are you supposed to use up all the paper in the supply room? photocopy work things? ewww
Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM. or TYME machine--that one is for you, pumpy
Monday, January 09, 2006
Farm life
In my posting about the dirty dirty ATL, I mentioned my favorite story of all time. Well, loyal readers, I will now entertain you with a story you will soon not forget.
Picture it: Minneapolis, September 2001. It was a week or so after the Sept. 11th attacks, and my party posse and I were tired of being cooped up at our homes and decided to hit the town running. For those of you who don't know, my party posse consists of:
Picture it: Minneapolis, September 2001. It was a week or so after the Sept. 11th attacks, and my party posse and I were tired of being cooped up at our homes and decided to hit the town running. For those of you who don't know, my party posse consists of:
- Carrot Juice
- Sassy McDammit
- Pumpy (known back then as Ditty)
- Q (known back then as Queesh or Lynnequisha--she got her name after this story)
- Sony (known back then as So-So Def or Short Stuff)
- D-Cal
- and any other people who dared hang with us when we were at our prime
The night started off with Q picking up Sony, C.J, Sassy, and yours truly up at Argyle for what would turn out to be a memorable evening in downtown MPLS. We sunk into her Montero and drove off to the City Center parking ramp, Q's fave. After making our way out the front doors facing Hennepin, we walked north towards our final destinations: Brothers and Rosen's (I didn't say we were smart back then). Now, if you've never parked in City Center, when you exit out of those doors, you are walking out into a bus stop. So there were quite a few winners hanging out there. One decided we were a group of sassy ladies he wanted to hit up for spare change. "You got fitty cent for a brotha? You got fitty cent for a brotha?" Naturally, being the feisty bitches we are, we said no and kept walking. Well, he followed, and as we were crossing 6th St., he stopped in the middle of the intersection and yelled out, "WHAT'S A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE ME GOTS TO DO TO GET WIT A FARMER'S DAUGHTER LIKE YOU?" Seeing as how none of us grew up on a farm, we all thought that this was:
- the stupidest thing we'd ever heard
- the funniest thing we'd ever heard
Needless to say, when we met up with Ty-bone and Aut at Rosen's, they had no idea what we were yelling at each other every 5 seconds because we were too hysterical with laughter at that point to explain.
A few days later, I was out with C.J. and Pumpy at Riverdance, when my phone rings, and on the other end is Lil' John, a co-worker from E.B., asking for Lynnequisha. Needless to say, I knew immediately that it was him, and not some dude on the street looking for a farmer's daughter to get wit. And Lynnequisha/Queesh/Q was born!
So...now you know the greatest story ever! Booya!
Dirty south
Well, as I was searching through all of my fabulous pics, I realized I didn't write about visiting Q in the ATL! For shame! I must slap my wrist for that one...ouch!
So, my visit started with a little driving tour of downtown Atlanta. I was in Hotlanta at the end of Sept., and there were lots of displaced New Orleans residents throughout the city, due to Hurricane Katrina. Whilst taking in the sights, we saw the infamous crane from earlier in 2005, where some dude climbed to the top and camped out for a couple of days, after he had stabbed his girlfriend, or something like that:
So, my visit started with a little driving tour of downtown Atlanta. I was in Hotlanta at the end of Sept., and there were lots of displaced New Orleans residents throughout the city, due to Hurricane Katrina. Whilst taking in the sights, we saw the infamous crane from earlier in 2005, where some dude climbed to the top and camped out for a couple of days, after he had stabbed his girlfriend, or something like that:
Then we saw an even more somber site: an elderly pimp daddy! He was smooth with the ladies: 
It reminded me of one of my favorite stories of all time...I will write about that later.
The weekend was spent hanging out with Q, her brother Brian, and his wife Leah. We had many laughs while dodging traffic in Mother Theresa's Mini-Cooper--who knew that baby cornered like it was on rails? We all saw our lives flash before our eyes when some redneck chick in a red pickup truck nearly squashed us on our way to some quaint little part of town on Saturday afternoon...I forget what part it was though. Brian was filled with road rage at this point, so he gave her the bird, only to get it back! I don't care what people say: Southerns are crazy!
By the time we made it to our destination, it was about 2:30p and we were starving. So we headed into this little restaurant, which Q said would be like Chammps or something similar, only to be told that they only serve brunch on Saturdays until dinner starts at 6p! Q and I were in no mood for eggs and pancakes and that crap, so we left the lovebirds and headed over to a tapas bar across the road and had a lovely spread of calamari, empañadas, chips and salsa, and such. We sat on a lovely little balcony...overlooking the garbage cans. But still, lovely.
That night consisted of taking a short nap once we returned home, then we all decided we were too tired to do anything but grab some dinner at Taco Mac--very similar to BW3, for my confused readers--and then go home and veg in front of the telly. The next AM, I had to pack up and head back to lovely MN...such a short trip!
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Git-r-done
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: I know where all the hicks go now that Rodeo is no longer around. They are going to Prime Time in Burnsville.
It all began on Thursday night, January 5, for a ladies night out with Betsi, Lisa, Nicole, Kelly, Charity, and myself---Debbie D. didn't show. We met at Champps in Burnsville because of the central location and dinner menu. All was going smoothly--the bouncer came over at one point and asked which of us was shipping off to Iraq the next AM (apparently some gal was doing so but it wasn't any of us!). We had some cocktails and good conversation...up until the point when the live music started. I think I went back in time to 1997 or so--the band consisted of a man on keyboards who had on a flannel shirt; a stoner guy playing the bongos (yes, bongos), with a sort-of blonde afro and thick, chunky hemp necklace; and lastly, an acid-rock looking guy on guitar. THEY SUCKED! It was so loud and the music was just plain awful. We complained to the waitress, who said she'd ask the manager if they could turn it down, but also said that they were "known for the live music on Thursdays," so the outlook was not so good. Maybe the reason they were known for the live music is because it is so bad--I swear, there were only about 15 people in the entire place, and that number went down to 9 when we left about 20 minutes into their "set." So, not looking to give up quite yet and call it a night, we decided to head over to Prime Time, which was just across the parking lot from Champps--if you know Burnsville, it is in the old "Burlington Coat Factory" location. In the strip mall. Yep.
Now, both Betsi and Lisa mentioned multiple times that night how much their husbands (both big time drinkers) hated that place--in fact, we had first thought of going there for ladies night, but the two hubbies put the kibosh on that. So, not one to listen to advice, we decided to test it out for ourselves. Well, upon entering, the first thing we noticed was the high amount of underage drinkers in the house--they were easily visible due to the amount of shiny fabrics and accessories they were sporting in the bar in the strip mall. Honestly! Who gets dressed up for strip mall bars?
So, after we found a little table to sit at, we turned our attention to the dance floor. There was a live band playing, which was actually decent, but they had some interesting members--one of the guitarists must have been at least 30 years older than the other group members. My theory was that he is someone's dad in the band and really wanted to relive his youth so he asked/demanded to be in the band. The crowd was "smitten" with this band, to say the least--there was a woman in a crushed red velvet suit, at the front of the dance floor, dancing right in front of the lead singer and singing along, dancing by herself, being "that woman." Then there was this middle-aged couple: mama had on a red camisole tucked into her jeans; papa had on a red shirt, acid-wash jeans, and white tennis shoes. They were a toe-tapping monster on the floor. Another set of middle-aged friends--one gal in a pink sweater, the other in a multi-color striped sweater--were sort of dancing back and forth on one another, much like Joan Cusack and that blonde girl in "Sixteen Candles." Those were the highlights of the Solid Gold dancers. At one point I saw someone there who used to be in my bowling league at City Limits, and I knew it was time to go. Lisa left first, but she was too busy ogling all the hot bods in there (you know, the mullets, Ski-Doo jackets, Dale Ernhardt t-shirts, beer guts) that she didn't notice the busboy in the area and knocked his tub out of his hands, sending empty glasses and full ashtrays flying. How embarassing! Needless to say, I don't think we'll be going to Prime Time in the future. It sounds like the next stop will be Benchwarmer Bob's in Burnsville on Jan. 18 or 19--I'll give you a full report after that happens!
It all began on Thursday night, January 5, for a ladies night out with Betsi, Lisa, Nicole, Kelly, Charity, and myself---Debbie D. didn't show. We met at Champps in Burnsville because of the central location and dinner menu. All was going smoothly--the bouncer came over at one point and asked which of us was shipping off to Iraq the next AM (apparently some gal was doing so but it wasn't any of us!). We had some cocktails and good conversation...up until the point when the live music started. I think I went back in time to 1997 or so--the band consisted of a man on keyboards who had on a flannel shirt; a stoner guy playing the bongos (yes, bongos), with a sort-of blonde afro and thick, chunky hemp necklace; and lastly, an acid-rock looking guy on guitar. THEY SUCKED! It was so loud and the music was just plain awful. We complained to the waitress, who said she'd ask the manager if they could turn it down, but also said that they were "known for the live music on Thursdays," so the outlook was not so good. Maybe the reason they were known for the live music is because it is so bad--I swear, there were only about 15 people in the entire place, and that number went down to 9 when we left about 20 minutes into their "set." So, not looking to give up quite yet and call it a night, we decided to head over to Prime Time, which was just across the parking lot from Champps--if you know Burnsville, it is in the old "Burlington Coat Factory" location. In the strip mall. Yep.
Now, both Betsi and Lisa mentioned multiple times that night how much their husbands (both big time drinkers) hated that place--in fact, we had first thought of going there for ladies night, but the two hubbies put the kibosh on that. So, not one to listen to advice, we decided to test it out for ourselves. Well, upon entering, the first thing we noticed was the high amount of underage drinkers in the house--they were easily visible due to the amount of shiny fabrics and accessories they were sporting in the bar in the strip mall. Honestly! Who gets dressed up for strip mall bars?
So, after we found a little table to sit at, we turned our attention to the dance floor. There was a live band playing, which was actually decent, but they had some interesting members--one of the guitarists must have been at least 30 years older than the other group members. My theory was that he is someone's dad in the band and really wanted to relive his youth so he asked/demanded to be in the band. The crowd was "smitten" with this band, to say the least--there was a woman in a crushed red velvet suit, at the front of the dance floor, dancing right in front of the lead singer and singing along, dancing by herself, being "that woman." Then there was this middle-aged couple: mama had on a red camisole tucked into her jeans; papa had on a red shirt, acid-wash jeans, and white tennis shoes. They were a toe-tapping monster on the floor. Another set of middle-aged friends--one gal in a pink sweater, the other in a multi-color striped sweater--were sort of dancing back and forth on one another, much like Joan Cusack and that blonde girl in "Sixteen Candles." Those were the highlights of the Solid Gold dancers. At one point I saw someone there who used to be in my bowling league at City Limits, and I knew it was time to go. Lisa left first, but she was too busy ogling all the hot bods in there (you know, the mullets, Ski-Doo jackets, Dale Ernhardt t-shirts, beer guts) that she didn't notice the busboy in the area and knocked his tub out of his hands, sending empty glasses and full ashtrays flying. How embarassing! Needless to say, I don't think we'll be going to Prime Time in the future. It sounds like the next stop will be Benchwarmer Bob's in Burnsville on Jan. 18 or 19--I'll give you a full report after that happens!
